


half agony, half hope

by yasi



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ballum Big Bang 2020 (Eastenders), M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, persuasion au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:21:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24897610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasi/pseuds/yasi
Summary: Eight years ago, Ben and Callum were in love until Callum was persuaded to break up with him. Now Ben is back in town and dating Callum’s only friend. They say karma is a bitch.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Chris Kennedy/Paul Coker, Paul Coker/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 44
Kudos: 114
Collections: Ballum Big Bang 2020





	1. part one: you pierce my soul

**Author's Note:**

> please head over to tumblr and reblog & like Luisa's gorgeous companion art [here](https://lucres.tumblr.com/post/623239872808927232/ballum-big-bang-2020-half-agony-half-hope-by) and [here](https://lucres.tumblr.com/post/623239826271043584/ballum-big-bang-2020-half-agony-half-hope-by)

“We’re getting a new co-manager for Coker's next week,” Paul says first thing in the morning when Callum arrives at work. No ‘good morning’ or ‘how are you, mate’. Just that they’re getting a new manager. Callum doesn’t bother saying anything about it, though, he’s used to it by now.

“Next week? I didn’t know Pam and Les were leaving so soon.”

“They won’t leave until next month. They just wanted some time to settle their affairs before they go. And they wanted to see how Jay fairs with the new job.”

Callum freezes at the name. Jay? Paul cannot mean Jay Brown. There are other Jays out there, right?

“Jay?” Callum asks tentatively.

“Yup, a Jay Brown? Apparently, he used to live ‘round here years ago but moved away because of his family? And now he’s coming back,” Paul explains, not realising that every word out of his mouth is like a punch to Callum’s gut.

“Do you—do you know if he’s coming alone?” Callum’s voice is quiet, barely audible.

“Wha? Alone? No, he’s coming with his family. His wife and their daughter? At least that’s what nan said. You know them?”

Callum can’t answer. He’s too shocked by the news. Jay and Lola are coming back? With their daughter? It can only be... no, no. He can’t think about it. That way lies heartbreak and he can’t deal with that right now. Not first thing in the morning.

Before Callum can answer, the phone rings and Paul is distracted, thankfully. Callum is relieved, he wouldn’t know how to explain their connection. He has to put all of that out of his mind, though, do his work. He can have a breakdown when he’s back in the safety of his home.

~*~*~

On his lunch break, Callum locks himself in his room and looks for his treasure box that he’s hidden away. Once he’s found it in the back of his closet, hidden under a layer of bags and backpacks, he sits down on his bed.

It’s been a while since he took out this box. The last time had been when he’d been missing his mum too much. Callum opens the box carefully. Most of it is knick-knacks from his childhood and teenage years. There are little toys, some letters but mainly pictures of people who meant something to him. Things that he wanted to keep for himself, lest his father find them and berate him for them as well.

Callum takes a deep breath and starts taking everything out. Normally he’d linger on things, remember why he has them packed away in his box, but his break won’t last forever – even though Paul wouldn’t say anything if he came in a little later – he's looking for a particular picture. At the bottom of the box he finds it.

The picture looks old, frayed at the edges from having been handled too much. It’s not actually a photo, it’s a printout, the people on it a little blurred and pixilated. But Callum knows it by heart. 

It’s a picture of him and Ben, holding on to each other and instead of smiling into the camera they’re smiling at each other. Lola had taken it. Callum remembers the day vividly, how sunny and warm it had been, how they’d laughed and kissed. How his dreams had seemed so close. It had been the day before he’d broken Ben’s heart and with it his own. It had been the last time he’d seen Ben.

**EIGHT YEARS AGO**

Callum’s leave is slowly coming to an end and he still hasn’t talked to Ben. But he’s almost positive that Ben feels the same. He knows sex without emotions is a thing, but the way Ben’s tone of voice changes when it’s just the two of them, how gentle he is with Callum when he’s so crude with other people. Yeah, Callum is sure Ben feels the same. Now he just has to say something before he returns to the army.

They’d agreed to spend the afternoon together, with no concrete plans what they were going to do, only that they’d meet up at the park. Callum rounds the corner to the park and sees Ben sitting on a bench, holding two coffee cups. The sight warms Callum’s heart and he smiles.

Just then Ben sees him and gets up. He meets Callum halfway and bumps their shoulders in greeting. He offers Callum one of the cups, smiling up at him.

“Thanks!” Callum takes a sip of his coffee and hums, it’s just the way he likes it.

“Is there anything you wanna do?” Ben asks after they’ve walked in silence for a while, their arms brushing every now and then.

“Nah. Just wanted to spend some time with you.” Callum turns to Ben. “You know my leave is coming to an end soon and I’m going back to base.”

“Do you know where they’re sending you next?” Ben asks.

“Not yet,” Callum shakes his head. “They’ll tell us when we’re all back together at the base.”

“Will I finally get to see you in your uniform, then?” Ben grins up at him. He can’t help himself but return Ben’s grin.

“Only if you ask nicely,” he says and winks. At least he hopes he’s winked because he’s never been too good at it.

But Ben’s grin morphs into a big smile that makes his whole face glow, so Callum thinks he must have done alright and smiles back.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” Ben says and steers him to a park bench. They both throw away their cups before they sit down. Ben’s mood changes instantly, gone is all the mirth. He seems nervous now, he keeps fiddling with his hearing aid, which in turn makes Callum nervous, so he starts jiggling his leg.

“Okay, this is ridiculous.” Ben puts his hand on Callum’s leg, stopping his jiggling and Callum freezes. Ben turns to him and takes his hand. Callum swallows, looking down at Ben’s small hands covering his.

“Callum, we’ve been spending a lot of time together these past few weeks. I had a lot of fun and I think you did, too. Correct me if I’m wrong?” Callum shakes his head.

“Truth is, I like you, Callum. I like you a lot.” He blushes, looking down at their hands. Callum’s heart feels like it’s about to burst. He squeezes Ben’s hand, wanting him to go on. And Ben does.

“I know you’re going on another tour soon and… I would very much like to keep in touch with you when you’re away. See where this thing between us is going. If you wanted to, that is. I don’t want to tie you down when you’re away.”

Callum can hardly believe what he’s hearing. He’s supposed to be the brave one, the soldier. And here Ben is, taking the next important step in their relationship.

“Are you sure, Ben?” he asks. “Because it’s not me who will be tied down, you know. I will be away in the army, thinking about you and you alone. While you’ll be here, where you can have anyone you wanted.” He doesn’t even know if Ben will still be here when he’s done with his next tour.

“You’re all I want, Callum,” Ben says quietly, and Callum can’t resist anymore. He leans into Ben’s space, giving him time to stop it if he wanted to. But Ben cups Callum’s cheek, smiles at him and presses their lips together. Callum closes his eyes and sighs into the kiss. The kiss is soft, marking a tentative new chapter in their story.

“Okay, okay.” Ben reluctantly breaks away from Callum, nipping at his bottom lip, leaving him wanting more. Callum whines quietly.

“You two know you’re in a public park, right?” A female voice interrupts, startling them. They both turn at the same time and see Lola grinning at them.

“Lo, hi,” Ben squeaks, making both Callum and Lola laugh. Ben swats at Callum, pouting.

“You two look loved up,” Lola observes, and Callum feels himself blush, heat flooding his face.

“Wait, let me take a picture.” Lola takes out her phone, looking at them expectantly. Ben and Callum share a look and then turn to Lola, smiling for her. She rolls her eyes at them.

“For fuck’s sake! You two were just kissing. Put your arms around each other,” Lola instructs them. Callum scoots closer to Ben and puts his arm around Ben’s shoulders. They smile at each other, forgetting for a moment about Lola and the picture.

“Awww, you guys are too cute!” Lola coos and brings them back to reality.

“Did you want something?” Ben turns to her, still holding on to Callum.

“Wha? Oh, yes! Uh, the thing we’ve been working on?” Lola looks at Ben meaningfully. Ben stares at her for a moment before he seems to realise what she means. He nods.

“It looks like a yes.” Lola beams.

“It does?” Ben’s smile is growing bigger than it already was. Callum is lost and would like to know what’s going on.

“Well, I’m on my way to, you know… and Jay is working, and I didn’t wanna get his hopes up without having a proper confirmation. And I wanted to see if you’d go with me?” Lola asks, looking unsure now.

“Yes, of course!” Ben answers. He pecks Callum on the lips and gets up. Callum wants to ask what’s happening, but Ben’s doesn’t let him.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. I promise we’ll spend tomorrow together, and I’ll tell you what’s going on,” he says without actually explaining anything. He smiles at Callum. Callum can’t do anything but nod and watch them go.

The next day Callum had met Whitney for coffee and confided in her about his and Ben’s tentative relationship. That’s when she very reluctantly had told him about the relationship between Ben, Jay, and Lola. How Ben was in love with Jay and that they were all sleeping with each other. And apparently Lola was pregnant, and no one knew who the father was.

Callum had been shocked. He’d spent so much time with them but had never seen any indication of a secret relationship. Callum hadn’t been sure whether Whitney was telling the truth, but what reason could she have had to lie to him? And then he’d remembered the day before, how secretive Lola and Ben had been but also excited. What Whitney had said had made sense and it had broken his heart.

So, he’d sent Ben a message saying he’d changed his mind about them and left for the army the same day. His father had been proud of his dedication, but Callum had been devastated. Later he’d found out that Ben had gotten a job up north and that Lola and Jay had left with him. He’d never heard anything from them again. 

**TODAY**

Callum strokes gently over Ben’s picture, trying to remember his voice, how soft it would be when it was just the two of them. How happy they’d been for those few short weeks. He sighs and closes his eyes. Callum is still not sure he’d done the right thing back then. He hadn’t given Ben a chance to explain things. There’s no point in dwelling on it now, though. It had happened years ago, and Ben probably had forgotten all about him.

~*~*~

It’s a couple days later and Callum is sorting through paperwork at Coker’s – Paul hates that part of the job – when the door opens, and Jay comes in. Callum freezes, unsure how Jay will react to seeing him, but Jay is all smiles.

“Callum, mate! It’s been ages!” He moves towards Callum, wanting to greet him properly. Callum is hesitant at first, but Jay’s friendly demeanour makes him hopeful, so he gets up and they hug each other.

Callum has missed Jay, they’d been good friends before he’d left Walford with Lola. When Callum had come back from the army, there’d only been Whitney left and she’d soon married a rich man and moved away as well. Callum had been all alone, having only his family as company until Paul had come along.

“Yeah, it has. How’ve you been?” Callum asks, letting go of him. He offers Jay a seat and sits back down himself.

“Not bad. Life’s been good.” He nods, smiling. “I’d heard from Pam and Les you were working here. That’s great, mate. Now we’re gonna see much more of each other again.”

“How’s the family?” Callum asks awkwardly, hoping this won’t be the thing to make Jay’s mood turn.

“They’re all good. Lola’s taken Lexi to register her at her new school. And Ben’s at the house, overseeing the removers. I didn’t wanna get in the way and thought I’d come and have a look here. See if I can catch Les before I start work next week,” Jay explains and makes Callum’s heart skip a beat.

“Ben’s back, too?” he asks, almost a whisper.

“Yeah, we’re a family. If one of us moves, all of us move. He’s actually the reason why we moved back down here. Got a job in big company. And I’d heard Les was looking to retire and it all worked out.” Jay smiles. Callum can only nod.

“And Lexi is…?” Callum asks.

“Oh, yes, Lexi. She is our daughter.” Jay’s face lights up. “She’s 7, far too clever for her age and just a bubbly little girl. We’ve spoilt her rotten, of course. But she’s our princess and we love her very much.”

Just then Les comes in with Paul and Jay gets up to greet them and they start talking cheerfully. They seem to forget all about Callum and he’s grateful for the reprieve. Because Ben is back in Walford and Callum is not sure what to think of it. On the one hand, he wants nothing more than to see Ben again. On the other hand, he doesn’t know how Ben will react to seeing him again. Whether he’s still angry at Callum or he’s forgotten all about him and moved on with someone else. And Callum is not sure which one he prefers.

“Anyway,” Jay says, catching Callum’s attention once again. “We’re having a housewarming party on Saturday and I expect to see you all there. Don’t forget to bring Pam, Les!” he tells them and leaves in a flurry.

~*~*~

It’s the day of the housewarming party and Callum is frantically trying to think of something, anything, so he won’t have to go. Paul’s already pestered him, saying they had to go because he really wanted to meet Ben Mitchell, the son of infamous Phil Mitchell. He’d told Callum all the gossip he’d heard from the square. How Ben was gay and single – maybe one of us will catch his eye, eh Callum? – handsome and a highly successful businessman. Even though there were still rumours going around about him and Jay and Lola and how their relationship was a weird one and hadn’t Lola been pregnant by one of them? He’d asked Callum if he knew anything about that, but Callum had only shaken his head and told him to go back to his work and to stop gossiping.

As much as Callum wants to see Ben again, he doesn’t want it to be at the party after so many years. He’s still afraid of Ben’s reaction. And apparently the universe is listening.

Callum had just gone to the café to get his lunch and when he comes back to the parlour, there Ben is, talking to Paul with a little blonde girl holding his hand.

“—course we’re coming. Jay invited us a couple days ago. We wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world. Can’t wait to see what you made of that old house,” Paul is saying, his voice a little higher and most definitely flirty.

Callum stops in his tracks, not knowing whether he should enter the parlour or go back outside. Something must have given his presence away, because before he can decide either way, Ben turns to him and their eyes meet for the first time in eight years. Callum’s heart is trying to break out of his ribcage, it’s beating so fast. Ben is even more beautiful than Callum remembers, never mind he’d held their old picture in his hands just a couple days ago. He’s lost all his boyish looks, now his face is all sharp edges and stubble and Callum would like nothing more than to touch it. But Ben isn’t his anymore if he’d ever been Callum’s at all.

Paul clears his throat, breaking Ben and Callum’s eye contact.

“Ben, this is Callum Highway. We work together.” He gestures from Callum to Ben. “Callum, this is Ben Mitchell. He has come to Walford with Jay and Lola.” Paul tries to introduce them.

“Callum and I are already acquainted,” Ben says, his voice clear, but without emotion. His voice is deeper than Callum remembers, but he’d never been this formal with Callum.

“Callum never said anything,” Paul answers. The look he throws Callum is accusing and angry.

“Oh, it was years ago,” Callum tries to explain. He doesn’t want Ben to think he’d been secretive on purpose. “I wasn’t sure Ben would remember me at all. It was before you moved here, Paul.” Callum tries to smile, but he knows he’s failing miserably.

“Daddy, when are we going to the shops? You promised me,” the little girl interrupts, tugging on Ben’s hand. Her big blue eyes look just like Ben’s and Callum feels his heart constrict when she calls him daddy. So, she is Ben’s daughter.

“In a minute, princess,” Ben replies, kissing her hair. He turns to Paul, smiling.

“See you tonight, then,” Ben says, squeezing Paul’s arm. Callum looks away.

“Definitely! Bye, Lexi!” The little girl, Lexi, waves at Paul and turns with Ben to leave. Callum has forgotten that he’s still standing in the doorway and takes a hasty step away to make space for Ben and Lexi. For a heartbeat he makes eye contact with Ben again and sees Ben’s gaze harden. He doesn’t know what he’s done now. Though it might just be that Ben still hasn’t forgiven him for what happened eight years ago. Because he leaves with Lexi, without saying anything to Callum. Callum swallows, trying to keep his tears at bay. He can’t deal with this, not with the way Paul is looking at him.

“You know him and you never said anything?” he asks accusingly, his voice a little too loud, making Callum flinch. But he doesn’t let Callum answer, just mumbles angrily, goes to the door and looks after Ben and Lexi.

Callum hides away in his office, away from Paul and anybody else who might come in. It’s done now, Callum has seen Ben… and Ben hasn’t forgiven Callum for breaking his heart, Callum is sure of it. Why else would he have been so cold? Ben never had been cold towards him, even when they’d first met. He’d always been open and smiling. But not anymore. Callum really doesn’t want to go to the housewarming party now.

~*~*~

Apparently, Paul has forgiven Callum for not telling him about Ben, because he’s talking Callum’s ears off about how fit Ben is and if Callum thinks Paul might have a chance with him. Thankfully, Paul doesn’t expect answers, he just needs someone to talk at and Callum gladly plays the part.

This way Callum can have a quiet breakdown, because now Lola is the only one left he still hasn’t seen. And Lola definitely knew about Callum and Ben back then. She’d sent him that picture before Callum had broken things off with Ben. 

Callum still doesn’t understand how she’d been okay with him and Ben when they had their own little relationship going on and she’d been expecting his baby. But then again, Callum had never given them a chance to explain things, so he probably shouldn’t go poking into that wound. Callum sighs.

“You look good tonight,” Paul comments, side-eying him.

“Thanks.” Callum smiles briefly, thinking back to how he’d painstakingly looked through his wardrobe to find something that would look good. He’d settled for dark skinny jeans and a dark blue-green plaid shirt. He didn’t want to make a fuss about his clothes, but he couldn’t help himself. Even if Ben hated him now, Callum wanted to make an effort for him.

“D’you think I have a chance with Ben?” Paul asks. He looks nervous. Callum knows he should have expected that Paul would want to make a move on Ben, what with him constantly talking about how fit Ben is, but it still comes as a shock. Callum swallows, wants to take his time before answering, but he knows he can’t get out of this one.

“He should be so lucky,” he says in the end, forcing himself to smile.

“Really?”

“O’couse.” Callum nods. “You’re a good guy, Paul, and good-looking. He’d be blind not to see that.”

Paul squeezes Callum’s arm, smiling back at him. “You won’t hog him all night, will you?” Paul asks, losing the smile. “I don’t have a chance against a war hero. But I really do wanna know him better and I can’t do that if the only other gay in the village makes a move on him.”

“Nah, don’t worry.” Callum shakes his head. “One, I’m not a war hero. And two, we met briefly years ago when I was on army leave. There is no chance he will want to talk to me. He’s all yours,” Callum says, trying to reassure Paul. He feels a twinge in his right leg and wants to press down on it to make the pain go away. But he knows the pain isn’t real, no matter what his brain tells him.

Callum definitely doesn’t want to watch his only friend get together with the only man he’s ever loved. He knows Ben will never look at him with love in his eyes again, but Callum doesn’t think his heart can handle seeing Ben and Paul together and pretend to be happy for them. He thinks if that ever happened, he’d have to leave Walford. He shakes his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts.

They arrive at the Mitchell-Brown house and Paul rings the doorbell. Callum can hear music and voices coming from inside and before he can panic any more the door opens, and Jay tells them to come in. He shakes Paul’s hand and hugs Callum, leading them to the living room.

“Here’s the bar, lads. Get yourselves something to drink.” Jay points to the table where all the different bottles are laid out.

“Oh hey, there is Ben,” Jay points out, making Callum freeze for a heartbeat. He wants to turn away and leave the party altogether, but Ben is already looking up. The smile gracing his face falls when he sees Callum. And now Jay walks over there, pulling Callum with him.

“Look Ben, Callum is here.” Jay is all smiles.

“Yeah, we already spoke earlier. Thanks for coming,” Ben says with a tight smile, not looking at Callum. Not a moment later his smile becomes sincere. Callum follows his gaze and finds Paul standing beside him. Of course. 

Paul beams back at Ben and they walk off together. Callum looks after them and sees Ben’s hand on the small of Paul’s back. He turns back to Jay, not wanting to see more. He tries to smile at Jay.

“You know how he is,” Jay says, squeezing Callum’s arm. Callum just nods and takes a bottle of beer to keep his hands occupied.

“Lola will be made up to see you again.”

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to seeing her,” Callum lies. Under normal circumstances he would be. But what’s he supposed to say to the mother of Ben’s child? Long time no see, why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant with Ben’s child? Nah, Callum is definitely not looking forward to that meeting.

Someone else gets Jay’s attention and Callum ducks away, not wanting to talk anyone. He finds a dark corner and hunches his shoulders, sipping at his beer every now and then.

As the night wears on he catches glimpses of Ben, always with Paul by his side, smiling and talking. He looks happy. Callum is glad, even if his heart is breaking all over again. He never wanted Ben to be sad and lonely, like he’d been all this time.

Callum checks his watch. He’s been at this party for two excruciating hours and his leg is starting to hurt from all the standing; he thinks he can slink away without anybody noticing. He’s just reached the door, when someone taps his shoulder, making him turn around.

“Callum?” It’s Lola. Callum really had hoped he’d survive this party without seeing her. He plasters a smile on his face.

“Lola!” His voice sounds a little high, even to his own ears. So, he clears his throat and tries again. “Lola, hi.”

“Were you just leaving without saying hello to me?” she asks, laughing.

“No. I was just—”

Lola doesn’t let him finish, just pulls him into a hug. Callum is caught off-guard and freezes for a couple seconds but then returns her hug. He feels uncomfortable, but as with many things in his life nowadays, he lets is happen.

“Don’t worry. I won’t make you stay.” Lola pulls away and smiles up at him. “Let’s catch up over a coffee, though. I’ve missed you.” She seems sincere. Callum is confused, again. He doesn’t understand the weird dynamics of their relationship, but it’s definitely messing with his head.

“Yeah, sure.” He forces a smile, but from the corner of his eye he catches Ben and Paul coming their way. Callum won’t survive another encounter with Ben today. He has to leave right now.

“Okay, well. I’m gonna head out now,” he says. But his eyes are still tracking Ben and Paul, who are deep in conversation. They’re in each other’s space, their arms touching.

Lola turns around to see what’s got Callum’s attention. When she turns back to Callum, he’s finally able to tear his eyes away from Ben. When their eyes lock Callum clearly sees pity in hers, making him look down. That hurts even more, that she pities him.

“Oh Callum,” she says, reaching out to him. Callum flinches away, not wanting to be touched by anybody, least of all by her.

“It’s alright, Lola,” he says. “He’s his own man, nothing to do with me. I really need to go, though. Let’s catch up soon, yeah?” Callum doesn’t give her the chance to answer, just turns away and slips out of the door.

He’d known it would be a difficult night for him, facing Ben again. Facing his past. And it has been. Even more so than he’s imagined. And now it is done and over with. Callum will be able to greet Ben as acquaintances and all will be well. His heart will survive this. He is sure of it. Only, he doesn’t know why his face is wet and why his breath is heaving. He has no idea why his chest is so tight and why it feels like his heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces.

Callum rushes home, not looking back. Hiding away in his room, trying to soothe his broken heart.


	2. part two: I am half agony

Callum hasn’t had a good night’s sleep since Ben returned to Walford. It’s not Ben’s fault, really. Callum just can’t stop his mind from wandering and thinking about Ben. Most nights he tosses and turns, remembering how things had gone wrong. He regrets leaving Walford the way he’d done. He regrets not having spoken to Ben and not having given him the chance to clear things up. Because whatever is going on between Ben, Jay, and Lola, they seem happy. But he’d been too weak and had been persuaded to believe the worst of Ben. And now it was too late.

Because wherever he goes Callum sees Ben with Paul. Apparently, they’d had a wonderful time at the party. Paul had told him so Monday morning at work.

“You never told me how charming Ben is, Callum. He’s funny and intelligent. And it doesn’t hurt that he looks well fit,” Paul had gushed. “He wasn’t very nice about you, though. Said you’ve changed so much he barely remembered you. I didn’t tell him about your injury, though, figured it’s your story to tell, if you want him to know.” Callum had smiled politely at that, but Paul’s words had been like knife cuts to Callum’s already low self-esteem. 

Callum knows he’s changed since he got back from the army, his medical discharge had been a big blow to his life plans. He knows he’s not the carefree and happy man he used to be. He doesn’t like socialising anymore. He likes being in the quiet of his home, sitting by himself. Having fought his way back to a normal life, it’s what he wants now. He likes his simple life, because everyone else around him loves creating chaos and Callum always ends up sorting things out. He doesn’t enjoy it, but he’s come to terms with his role in life.

He just hadn’t realised that it had impacted him so much that Ben had made a comment about it, to Paul of all people. Callum is glad Paul hasn’t told Ben anything about his injury, though. He doesn’t want Ben to pity him anymore than he probably already does.

He just wishes he didn’t have to see Ben everywhere, be it with Paul (which always feels like someone is squeezing his heart) or with Jay, Lola, or Lexi.

Callum is still at a loss about what’s going on with Jay, Lola, and Ben. How it came to be that Lexi calls Ben daddy and Jay dad. How they live together as a family. He’s still not had that chat with Lola yet and to be absolutely honest, he doesn’t think he’d be able to ask her about it. But seeing Ben and Lexi together is a revelation. Callum remembers the soft and loving side of Ben, has experienced it first-hand. But the way he is with Lexi, the complete adoration that speaks from his every action when they’re together is making Callum’s heart ache.

Callum had been okay these past few years. Ben had been away, and Callum hadn’t minded thinking back to the time they’d spent with each other. Those rare moments of happiness. With Ben being god knows where, remembering their time together had been kind of bittersweet.

But now that Ben is back in Walford, Callum feels a constant ache in his heart. It’s becoming a problem, making Callum reach up and press down on his chest. Trying to soothe the pain in his heart. But it’s impossible. As much as Ben looks like the young man Callum had fallen in love with all those years ago, he’s also changed, grown up. He’s become even more handsome. And he isn’t Callum’s Ben anymore, Callum knows that. Ben’s made that painfully obvious to him, only ever talking to him in greeting and then ignoring him.

And yet, every once in a while, Callum catches himself daydreaming about how their lives would have turned out had Callum stayed. If it’d have been Ben and him having a daughter together. If Ben would have touched him tenderly, lovingly. Keeping his hand on the small of Callum’s back. And it always ends the same way, Callum shaking his head and coming back to reality. Where Ben has a family without Callum and is happy with another man.

~*~*~

After two weeks of working as a co-manager, Jay suggests a weekend trip to Brighton for team building. They’re having an awkward lunch at the caff, with Ben and Paul sitting next to each other, flirting, and laughing together while Jay and Callum eat in silence. Callum guesses Jay makes the suggestion mainly to stop Ben and Paul from touching each other inappropriately in public and to keep them from ignoring Jay and Callum. And it works.

“Team building?” Ben asks, his eyebrows furrowed. “Since when does a funeral parlour need team building, Jay? You bury the dead, mate. It’s not that deep!” he says mockingly, laughing at Jay’s idea.

“It’s more like a get-to-know-people thing.” Jay shrugs, wiping his hands with a paper tissue. “And I thought about inviting Stuart and Rainie as well, seeing as the parlour works closely with their shop.” Here he looks at Callum, as if he wants his input on the idea.

“Sure, we all know each other, but I’ve been away for a while and back then you were in the army, Callum, and Stuart was working for your dad. I thought it might be a good idea to get reacquainted and talk business away from the chaos of Walford.”

Callum likes this idea. He wouldn’t mind getting away from Walford and Ben and Paul’s constant flirting himself, even if it’s only for a weekend.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Callum says, giving Jay a small smile.

“Good man!” Jay claps Callum on the back, grinning. He turns to Ben and Paul, who both look unsure. As if reluctant to leave each other for longer than one day. And apparently Jay has an answer for that as well.

“I thought we could make it a family thing, you know. You could come with us, take Lola and Lexi with. And we could explore the city together when we’re done talking shop. What d’you say, Ben?”

Callum wants to shake his head, tell them it’s a bad idea. But he’s already said the opposite and he can’t take it back without looking like an idiot. He liked the idea of going away only because he wouldn’t have to suffer seeing Ben and Paul for the weekend. And now he is faced with a weekend of enduring their blossoming relationship up close. He hopes Ben will say no, even though he knows it’s in vain.

“I think it’s a fabulous idea!” Paul says, interrupting Callum’s internal breakdown.

“Well, if that’s the case, I have no choice, do I?! A weekend in Brighton it is, then,” Ben answers, making Jay and Paul shout in joy.

Callum accidentally looks at Ben and catches the moment Paul turns to him and they share a sweet kiss. When they break apart Ben’s eyes catch his and Callum feels himself blush, looking away quickly. He didn’t mean to stare, and he definitely didn’t mean for Ben to catch him staring.

“Lola and Lexi will be made up, Jay,” Ben says, completely ignoring Callum. “Especially Lexi. You know how much she misses living near the beach.” Callum doesn’t have to look at Ben to know he’s smiling fondly, the tone of his voice giving everything away clearly. Callum smiles to himself. He likes knowing that Ben puts Lexi’s happiness first.

“Yeah, mate, I know,” Jay nods. “It’s settled, then. I’ll talk to Stuart about it, see what he thinks and then make the arrangements.”

~*~*~

Of course, Stuart and Rainie had liked the idea. They hadn’t had a proper holiday in years. And even though a weekend in Brighton wasn’t as good as it could get, they were up for it. And they’d been in luck, because they didn’t have any funerals planned for the upcoming weekend, so they were able to plan their trip accordingly.

They drive down to Brighton early on Saturday morning, crammed in two cars. Callum is sitting in the back of Stuart’s car with Paul. Who tells him about all the things he wants to do with Ben when they get to Brighton. Callum pretends to fall asleep early on, in the hopes of stopping Paul. Thankfully, their journey isn’t too long.

At the hotel, they check in and agree to meet half an hour later in the lobby to go out and have brunch. Callum shuts the door to his room and closes his eyes, leaning his back to the door for a moment. He’s glad they’d opted for single rooms for Callum, Ben, and Paul, instead of making them all share. He’s grateful to get at least that little bit of reprieve.

He sighs and goes to check out his room. It’s a standard single room, a little on the smaller side but Callum doesn’t mind. As long as he has a bed to himself, he’ll be fine. And they’ll be out and about most of their time here anyway. He gets out his toiletries and puts them in the bathroom. He stops for a moment, looking into the mirror. 

He looks tired, with big dark bags under his eyes. He hasn’t shaved this morning, liking having a little bit of stubble when he doesn’t have to work. He knows he doesn’t look his best. But he’d long lost interest in his looks. Not that he’d ever been vain to begin with, but he also didn’t like to fuss about too much. He studies his face for another heartbeat, only to shrug and leave the bathroom. He’ll take a short nap and go down to meet the others. 

~*~*~

Callum expected this trip to be difficult, seeing as Ben and Paul are all loved up. What he doesn’t expect is for Lexi to take a liking to him. She sees him sign with the cashier at the café where they have their brunch and she latches on to him, asking him questions of how he’d learnt it and did he know BSL well or only bits.

“I learnt when I was in the army years ago,” Callum explains. “I had a friend who got injured and his hearing never recovered. We learnt together. I still know bits.” He smiles down at her.

“I can show you more!” Lexi tells him excitedly, her voice almost too loud, making everybody else in their party look at them.

“Daddy, daddy!” Lexi turns to Ben and signs _Callum knows BSL_ , making Ben look at Callum, his face unreadable.

Callum blushes, looking down. The truth is Callum had learnt to sign because of Ben. Back when they’d been close Ben had told him about getting meningitis when he was a child and losing about 75% of his hearing in his left ear and about 30% in his right ear. Sometimes when the sounds of the world got to be too much, he liked taking out his hearing aids. He’d told Callum that he enjoyed the illusion of the world quieting down even if it was for a moment only. Ben had learnt BSL on his mum’s insistence, even though his dad hadn’t liked it. He’d confessed that he liked signing, even if there weren’t many people who knew it well enough to sign with him.

That’s when Callum had decided to learn BSL, to be able to talk to Ben when he wasn’t feeling up to using his hearing aids. And when he’d broken up with Ben and left for the army, it had been a nice bit of distraction. And though the idea had been to learn it for Ben, in the end it had been an asset in the army, particularly when he got shot and was stuck in hospitals with his wounded comrades. And when he’d got out of the army on medical discharge, he’d kept it up, gone to special courses to learn it properly. It had kept him busy and distracted him from his own injury.

When Callum risks looking up, Ben is still looking at him, the others having lost interest in the conversation. Callum wonders if Ben remembers the night of their conversation. How Callum had asked him to sign _kiss me_. How intimate it had felt. And how it had led to their first time together. Callum’s blush deepens, making him uncomfortable. He excuses himself and leaves the café, taking a couple steps away and breathing in and out deeply.

Lexi is so excited about the sign language discovery that she keeps close to Callum, wanting to sign with him, trying to find things he doesn’t know. Forgotten is the beach. And despite himself Callum starts liking her. She’s a bright little thing, already too clever for her age. And she makes Callum laugh by saying the most outrageous things. But the thing that hurts most about her is that she’s so much like the Ben Callum remembers, that it makes his heart ache. She definitely is Ben’s daughter, there is no mistaking that.

He tries not to pry into their lives, not wanting to do that to himself. He doesn’t need to know how their family works. It’s enough to know that Lexi is a happy little girl with a mum who loves her and two dads who’d give her the world.

Every now and then Lola tries to get her away from Callum, but Lexi doesn’t want to. She’s apparently having fun and tells Lola to go do grown-up things. Callum throws his head back and laughs like he hasn’t in years.

“I’ll leave you two to it, then.” Lola shrugs, throws an apologetic look to Callum and falls back into step with Jay.

From the corner of his eyes Callum catches Ben looking at them, a soft smile on his face. Callum ducks his head and turns back to Lexi.

Not half an hour later they find an ice cream shop and Lexi eagerly pulls Callum inside, already telling him all the flavours she wants to try. Callum is about to order when a hand on his arm stops him. It’s Ben, standing slightly behind them. Callum freezes for a second, his heartbeat accelerating.

“Let me,” Ben says, not looking at Callum.

“It’s no bother.” Callum shakes his head. “I don’t mind, really.”

“I know. But ice cream makes her a little crazy and she’ll have you buy her too much. I’m the only one who can handle her when she gets like that.” He’s smiling again, his voice fond despite what he’s telling Callum.

“Okay.” Callum nods and lets Ben order first. Lexi compromises with Ben and gets two scoops, smiling brightly when she gets her cone.

“Now, missy,” Ben says, steering Lexi away from Callum. “You’ve annoyed Callum long enough. Let him take a break and eat his ice cream in peace. Come sit with me and Paul.” Lexi tries to protest, but Ben is having none of it.

“I’ll see you in a bit, yeah,” Callum smiles, trying to reassure her. Ben nods in thanks and turns her to the table Paul is already sitting at.

Callum orders himself a tea instead of ice cream and sits down at a table nearby. Lexi waves at him, making him smile and wave back. A few minutes later Lola and Jay join him. Callum smiles at them and takes a sip from his hot tea, almost burning his tongue.

“I’m sorry Lexi pestered you with signing. I didn’t know she’d be that excited about it,” Lola says, trying to excuse Lexi’s behaviour.

“Nah, don’t be,” Callum shakes his head, a big smile on his face. “She was actually a lot of fun, once I got used to her enthusiasm. And she’s really good at signing.”

“Yeah,” Jay says, joining the conversation. “When she found out Ben uses hearing aids and is partially deaf, she wanted to learn. She’s gotten so good at it that she can even tell stories in sign language.” They all laugh.

“She’s a credit to you guys,” Callum admits. “And clever to boot. Had me struggling there a bit in the end with her signing.”

“That’s our little girl. Sometimes her and Ben sign instead of talk out loud, driving me nuts when I ask them questions,” Lola says and Jay nods. 

Callum feels awkward. He doesn’t want that much insight into their family life. He knows that way lies heartbreak and he’s already feeling miserable enough as it is. Stuart and Rainie join them, rescuing Callum from more family stories. Soon their talk turns to their businesses and Callum tunes them all out, staring out of the window, letting his thoughts wander. Callum thinks back to the first time he’d met Ben, all those years ago.

**EIGHT YEARS AGO**

“A coffee to go, please, Kathy.” Callum orders, looking around the caff. It looks like the usual crowd, but how would Callum know. He hasn’t been here in six months. He spies Jay in a corner and nods at him.

“Here you go, Callum,” Kathy hands him his order, smiling at him. Callum pays and heads over to Jay’s table.

“Callum, mate, you’re back.” Jay gets up to greet him. “You on leave?”

“Yeah, three weeks.” Callum’s grins, happy to see his friend.

“Come, sit with us,” Jay gestures to the table and the man sitting there, looking at them with a raised eyebrow. “Oh yeah, sorry. This is Ben. And Ben, this is Callum. Highway.” Callum sits down beside Jay and holds out his hand for Ben to shake. Ben studies him for a second, gives a short nod and takes Callum’s hand.

Ben’s hand is warm, his handshake firm. Ben’s looking at Callum as if he’s trying to make him out and it makes Callum blush, so he looks down and tries to let go of Ben’s hand. Ben keeps their hands connected for another heartbeat and then lets go slowly, almost caressing Callum’s hand.

“So, you’re a Highway, then?” Ben asks and makes Callum look at him.

“Yup, guilty as charged.” Callum nods. He doesn’t want to know what Ben has heard about his family. His father runs a shipping company with Callum’s brother Stuart. Callum’s never been interested in the business himself, he always wanted to join the army. And his father hadn’t been too happy about it in the beginning, but he’d let Callum go in the hopes that the army would make a man out of him. His dad had always complained about Callum being too soft. Callum doesn’t wanna know what he says about people who are not his family.

“Nothing to be guilty about, mate.” Ben snorts. “I’m Phil Mitchell’s son. Got you beat there.”

“I didn’t know Phil had a son,” Callum says, looking at Jay. Jay shakes his head.

“Yeah, he doesn’t like talking about me. I’m not up to his standards, you know. Not following the family business and all. Also, I didn’t grow up here, so….” Ben shrugs.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I lived with my mum in South Africa until I finished school,” Ben explains but he is interrupted by Kathy bringing them their orders.

“Here you go, love.” She hands Ben and Jay each a teacup. Jay nods and Ben looks up at her and smiles.

“Thanks, mum.” Kathy smiles back, squeezes Ben’s shoulder and returns to the counter.

“Oh! You’re Kathy’s Ben?” Callum looks at Ben questioningly.

“Yup, that’s me.” Ben nods.

“So, your parents are Kathy Beale and Phil Mitchell?” Callum asks, his eyes going big. 

Ben laughs, nodding. “Told you I had you beat at the parents’ thing. When I finished school, she came back here. I wasn’t ready to return, so I went off to uni,” Ben explains. “And now that I’m done with uni as well, I thought it was about time to visit these lot.” Ben gestures at Jay.

“Ben’s actually got a functioning brain. He just finished his master’s in business with honours. He can do whatever he wants,” Jay tells Callum proudly.

“Yeah, we’ll see.” Ben seems embarrassed, he flushes and looks away.

“Callum here returned from...,” Jay begins, but stops, looking to Callum to complete his sentence. Callum laughs.

“From Syria. Thanks for paying attention when I tell you things, _mate!_ ”

“You were gone for six months and my memory isn’t good, you know that.” Callum laughs at his friend’s antics. Jay turns to Ben and continues. “Anyway, he’s just finished another tour.”

“You an army man?” Ben perks up. “Where’s your uniform, then?” He grins at Callum.

“Only wear it when I’m on duty, don’t I?!” Callum answers and grins back. Ben’s grin turns to a smile at Callum’s answer. He holds Callum’s gaze.

Jay interrupts their staring by clapping Callum on the back and startling him. “Let’s get out of here and see what we can do. There has to be something fun going on around here.”

“Yes, let’s show the army lad how to have fun,” Ben agrees, and they all get up.

“Hey, I know how to have fun. It’s not all war when you’re in the army, you know,” Callum tries to interject, but Jay and Ben laugh at him loudly and steer him out of the café.

**TODAY**

A hand on his shoulder startles Callum, making him jump in his seat. He hears Lexi giggle and grins at her.

“We’re heading out,” Lola tells him. “Ben’s friend from uni texted him, he lives here in Brighton. We’re gonna meet up with him at the beach in a bit. Wanna come?” She looks at him expectantly. Behind her Callum sees Lexi nod excitedly and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her no.

“Yeah, sure,” he agrees. “The beach sounds fun.”

“Yesss!” Lexi jumps up and down. “We can build a sandcastle,” she exclaims with enthusiasm.

“Not so fast, little miss,” Ben interrupts. “We’re not dressed for building sandcastles.” Lexi turns her big watery eyes on Ben, pouting her lips. Ben sighs at her fondly.

“I promise we’ll go tomorrow. And Callum will help you with your sandcastle. Won’t you, Callum?” Here they both look at Callum.

“I will!” Callum nods.

“See?” Ben turns back to Lexi. “Today is only for taking a walk. Agreed?”

“You promise?” she asks hopefully.

“I promise, darling.”

“Thank you, daddy!” Lexi gives Ben a kiss and hugs him tightly.

Callum tuns away, getting up. He feels like he’s intruding again. Outside, he stretches him arms, trying to loosen up a little. His right leg feels stiff from all the walking. A man passes him, stares at him from head to toe and then smiles at him. Callum doesn’t like being seen and feels himself blush. He tucks his shirt down, busying his hands.

In that moment Ben and Lexi exit the ice cream shop together and Ben catches the unknown man appraising Callum. Callum sees Ben’s face change from open and happy to closed-off. He looks after the man for a long moment and then turns back to Callum, raising one eyebrow at him.

Callum doesn’t know what Ben expects him to say. It’s not like he knows the man. It’s not Callum’s fault he apparently liked what he saw. He furrows his brows and ducks his head, looking away from Ben.

“This way, darling,” Ben’s voice says behind Callum’s back, leading Lexi in the opposite direction from the unknown man. Paul catches up with them and links his arm with Ben’s, already talking about something Callum isn’t part of. Callum sighs and follows them slowly.

~*~*~

They meet Ben’s friend, Chris Kennedy, at the old pier – or what’s left of it, now that it has burnt down. Lexi is running around with Lola and Paul. They’re trying to get each other wet, jumping, and laughing.

A man approaches them slowly, dressed in casual clothes. He’s wearing a mustard coloured t-shirt under his black leather jacket, making his brown skin pop. He’s almost as tall as Callum, with short dark hair that doesn’t hide his kind but somehow sad face.

When Ben sees him, a huge smile breaks out on his face, making Callum look away. Ben and Chris almost run to each other, hugging tightly, holding on for a long moment. Callum feels like he’s witnessing an intimate moment and wants to turn away again, but they are already letting go of each other. Ben gestures from Chris to them, introducing them all one by one.

“These are Stuart and Raine.” They both nod and smile at Chris.

“You know Jay, of course.” They both shake hands, exchanging smiles.

“Lexi and Lola are running around with Paul back there.” Chris nods.

“And... this is Callum,” Ben points to Callum, without actually looking at him.

“Callum?” Chris asks, cocking his head at Ben. Callum feels like he’s missing something. Ben only nods, still not looking at Callum.

Chris takes a step towards Callum and extends his hand. “It’s nice to meet you,” he says, smiling a big smile that transforms his whole face. Callum catches a glimpse of what might have brought Ben and Chris together all those years ago. Chris’ grip is firm, his hand soft and warm.

“Likewise!” Callum returns the smile and nods.

“Okay,” Ben says, clapping his hands together. “Let me get Lexi, she’ll be made up to see you again.” Ben turns towards the playing group and waves at them, signalling to them to come back. It takes a moment but when Lexi sees Chris, she jumps up and down in joy and runs towards him, screeching piercingly.

“Uncle Chris!” Lexi says loudly, jumping into Chris’ arms, and hugging him. Chris tickles her, making her laugh.

“Daddy said we can build a sandcastle tomorrow. Will you help me? Callum already promised, too,” she tells him excitedly.

“Did he now?” Chris asks, smiling at her. She nods eagerly, making the whole group laugh.

“I can’t say no to that, can I? Sandcastles it is!” Chris lets her down carefully. She takes his hand and pulls him towards Callum.

“Did you know, Callum knows how to sign,” Lexi says proudly, as if Callum being able to sign is her achievement. Chris looks impressed, turning from Lexi to Callum.

“Did she teach you?” Chris asks.

“Nah, I learnt it back in the army. Had a mate who got injured.”

“Oh! I thought—,” Chris starts but stops himself immediately. “Well, never mind.”

Callum wants to ask what Chris thought, but he’s already speaking again.

“She tried teaching me, you know? Didn’t work out very well.” He laughs again. Callum likes it when Chris laughs, it makes him look carefree and young. 

“He kept mixing up words,” Lexi informs Callum, making him look down at her. “It was funny!” she giggles.

“I bet if we work together, we can teach him some important bits.”

“Yes, yes, yes!!” Lexi exclaims, making the group laugh again. Lexi leads Chris and Callum to Lola and Paul, introducing Paul and Chris to each other. When the others join them, they decide to go for a walk and a late lunch afterwards.

~*~*~

They find a pub that does late lunches and settle there, pulling together two tables so they can all sit with each other. It’s a raucous thing, with loads of laughter and shared stories. Ben and Chris tell them about their time at uni and Jay joins in about the times he went to visit Ben. Lexi doesn’t understand half of what’s being told but she laughs the loudest, amusing the adults around her.

“Remember that one year we went to that superheroes thing at the pub?” Ben asks, barely able to speak from laughing too much.

“Of course,” Chris answers, his voice going soft. “It was the night I met Frank.” The change in Chris is instant. Gone is the laughter, his body seems to shrink in itself. Everything about him is screaming grief.

“Oh mate, I didn’t mean to—,” Ben starts but stops as soon as Chris holds up his hand.

“No, it’s fine,” Chris says with a subdued smile. “I don’t mind talking about him.” Callum looks over to Ben, who looks sorry for having brought up that particular subject.

“It was valentine’s day, our second year at uni. There was this superheroes pub quiz that night and the winners would get free dinner for a month. Us being poor students, we jumped at it and signed up.”

“Frank was the quiz master that night. He was in his last year at uni and the handsomest man I’d ever laid eyes on. I did my best to get his attention the whole night. But I can’t flirt for the life of me, so it was hopeless. And to top it off, we didn’t win the quiz.”

“Nah, mate,” Ben interrupts. “Didn’t know nothing about superheroes, did we? Only that they look good in tights.” Everybody laughs and even Chris cracks a small smile.

“Should’ve taken Callum with you, you’d’ve won.” Stuart says, making Callum blush. Ben turns to Callum and their eyes meet for a moment, while everybody else laughs.

“Didn’t know him back then, did I?” Ben answers, still holding Callum’s gaze. Callum feels spellbound by Ben’s eyes, his gaze piercing Callum’s very being and pinning him there, immovable. The moment is broken, when Paul grabs Ben’s arm, asking him a question. Callum shakes his head, trying to get rid of the imagined spell.

When Callum looks around the table, everybody’s moved on, talking about different things. Chris is sitting in silence, though, his head bowed. He looks lonely even though he’s surrounded by so many people. Callum knows the feeling.

“So, what happened with Frank?” Callum asks quietly, making Chris look up.

“Sorry?”

“You said you tried to get Frank’s attention the whole night and that it didn’t work. So, what happened with him? Did you guys ever get together?” Callum asks.

“Yeah,” Chris says with a shaky voice, nodding. “Yeah. Ben gave him my number without my knowing. Told him straight up that I fancied him and that he should take me out.” He stops for a moment, chuckling to himself.

“I was a bit of a drunk mess that night. Ben took me home and put me to bed and told me my prince would find me. I woke up to a text from Frank the next morning, asking me to have lunch with him. I was confused and I thought I was dreaming. Until Ben barged into my room and told me to get off my arse and get ready for the date with the man of my dreams. The stupid pillock didn’t even know how right he was.” He stops again, looking at Callum. Callum gives him an encouraging smile.

“The rest is, as they say, history. We got together and fell in love. They were the best years of my life.”

“What happened to him?” Callum asks. He can see that this isn’t easy for Chris. But he also knows that not talking about things doesn't help.

“Car accident.” Chris shrugs, his voice cracking. “It was another Valentine’s day; we were on our way home after a fancy dinner. He'd proposed that night. We were happy and laughing when a drunk driver hit us head-on. All I remember from the accident is the deafening clash of metal and Frank calling out my name. When I woke up, he was gone.”

Callum’s heart is breaking for Chris, having found love only to lose it to a car accident. Callum reaches out to him, putting his hand on Chris’ arm.

“I am so sorry for your loss.” Callum says. “But you’re still young and one day you might meet someone new who makes you happy. Give your heart time, it will heal.” Callum smiles slightly. He knows it’s easier said than done. But Frank isn’t here to torment Chris anymore. Unlike Callum, Chris will be able to move on one day.

“Have you ever lost someone you loved?” Chris asks.

“I lost a couple army mates. Not a loved one, though. But I messed up a chance at love many years ago and now I’m damned to watch the world move on without me while I'm alone and insignificant. Forgot by life itself.”

“But that was your fault,” Chris objects. “Frank was taken from me, I never got to say goodbye. One moment we were happy, the next he was gone. Taking all the joy with him.”

“It being my fault doesn't change the fact that my heart was broken, too, Chris. There is no hope for me, I know that. Yet my heart keeps on beating for that one person, burning itself out without ever finding relief,” Callum explains quietly.

“But your heart can heal, and you might make room for someone else. I don’t think Frank would’ve wanted you to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life.”

“No, he wouldn’t have wanted that for me. You’re right, of course.” Chris concedes. “But it doesn’t change anything for me. I still miss him very much,” he adds, with a sad smile on his face.

“Of course, mate.” Callum puts his hand on Chris’ back, trying to comfort him. When he looks up, he locks eyes with Ben again, whose gaze is unreadable but steady. Callum looks away, feeling too raw after the conversation with Chris.

~*~*~

They’re leaving the pub, having paid, and thanked the landlord for their lunch when Jay stands back with him, waiting for everybody else to leave first. He falls in line with Callum and they exit together.

“You did a good thing there, talking with Chris,” he says. “Frank’s been dead for over four years now and he’s been in mourning all this time.” 

“Oh, I didn’t know that. He talks about it like it happened not too long ago. But I didn’t do much, I just listened. And I told him what he already knew. Sometimes it helps to hear the truth we know ourselves from someone completely unconnected to us and our life to see the merit in it. I just hope it helps him, you know? He’s young and his heart will heal in time. Or so I’ve been told.” He gives Jay a smile and looks away, putting his hand in his trouser pockets.

What he’s told Chris is the truth. Chris? He can fall in love again, given time. But Callum has never loved anyone but Ben. His heart wouldn’t have it and he’d never tried. In fact, he’s still in love with Ben. And he knows it’s a hopeless love, he has to suffer watching Ben and Paul’s budding relationship every day without relief. But that's his punishment. A broken heart for breaking a heart.

~*~*~

Callum spends the rest of the day either talking to Chris or with Lexi, signing and laughing. He has more fun than he expected, Chris being a welcome distraction from Ben and Paul. Not that his eyes don’t follow them from time to time. Callum has a hard time not looking at Ben. But he’s slowly coming to terms with having lost Ben forever.

Saturday evening, he gets a message from Whitney, reminding him of her invitation to go and visit her in Bath. He hadn’t been in the mood to visit Whitney when she’d first invited him. But the more he thinks about it the more he likes the idea. At least in Bath he won’t have to watch Ben and Paul get closer to each other every day.

The next morning at breakfast he asks Jay if he can have the week off when they get back to Walford.

“Getting a taste for holidays, are you?” Jay asks, but he’s smiling. So, Callum continues.

“Whitney’s been pestering me to go visit her for a while now,” Callum answers, returning Jay’s smile. “And I thought with you working at the parlour now it would be okay. Haven’t had a proper holiday in ages, you know? Never wanted to leave Paul with the bulk of the work, what with Les’ health not being the best and all.” Callum shrugs, looking down.

“Yeah, o’course, mate. You wanna leave right after we get back? I don’t think we have much on next week, so that would work perfectly.”

“Thank you, Jay.” Callum is relieved that Jay isn’t making such a big deal out of it.

“Yeah, Jay, thanks!” Ben appears behind Jay, clapping him on the back. He’s smiling. Then he turns to Callum. “Why are we thanking Jay again?” All this time Ben’s avoided talking to him, so this direct question surprises Callum and he can’t answer.

“Callum wanted to take a week off to go visit Whitney,” Jay explains before Callum can say anything. Ben’s open and friendly face closes off, as if shutters were let down.

“You already annoyed with us, then? Can’t wait to get away fast enough?” Ben asks, sitting down at the other side of the table, away from Callum. Ben is smiling, but there is nothing friendly about his smile and his tone is just a tad too biting.

“No, of course not,” Callum shakes his head. “It’s just… I haven’t seen Whitney in too long and—”

“Ah, Whitney, of course. As always,” Ben interrupts but doesn’t elaborate what he means.

Callum looks away. He’d never asked Whitney what had happened after he’d left for the army. But Ben’s reaction to Whitney now says it all. He glances at Jay and sees nothing but bewilderment on his face.

“Am I missing something here?” he asks, looking from Callum to Ben and back again.

“Nothing at all,” Ben answers and gets up to get something to eat from the buffet.

Jay turns to Callum, his eyebrows raised in question. Callum just shakes his head and grabs his mug and takes a big mouthful, only to burn his tongue on hot tea.

~*~*~

Stuart and Rainie join Jay and Lola on a walk at the beach after breakfast, while the rest of them build Lexi’s sandcastle. They’re in luck, the sand isn’t too wet, allowing them to shape it the way they want to. Lexi is having a blast, instructing them all on what to do. When Lexi is finally satisfied with their efforts, they take many pictures of their castle, enough to fill an entire album.

As much fun as it had been, Callum had to watch Ben and Paul touch each other the whole time, their hands brushing, Ben taking Paul’s hands in his and showing him how to build properly. It had been a lot and Callum had tried not to look too much, but it was like observing a car crash. He’d known he shouldn’t watch it, but he’d still done it. To make matters worse is leg had started acting up and every now and then he’d had to get up and stretch it. He’d tried to be subtle about it but whenever he’d sit back down Paul would look at him worriedly. He’d even caught Ben looking at him once or twice.

They decide that after lunch they should slowly pack their things and make their way back home, not wanting to get back to Walford too late. Lexi isn’t too happy about it, her mood changing as soon as she hears they’ll be heading home soon. They’re making their way back to the hotel to get changed before they go out one last time and Lexi is whining.

Paul is trying to distract her, acting out some silly things, not looking where he’s going. He’s looking at Lexi and smiling that big smile of his when everything happens too fast, and he’s hit by a car.

Everybody freezes for a moment and then it’s pure chaos. Lexi starts crying, turning to Lola, and hiding her face, hugging her tightly. Jay pulls them both into his arms. Rainie screams and buries her head in Stuarts shoulder, who’s holding her but he’s looking at Paul. Ben, Chris, and Callum all rush towards Paul.

Callum’s army training kicks in, he instructs Chris to call an ambulance, tells Ben to stay away and inspects how badly Paul is injured. There is blood where Paul’s head has hit the pavement, so Callum doesn’t move him at all.

“Callum? Is he alive?” Ben asks, panic evident in his voice. He’s looking from Paul to Callum, his hands shaking. Callum checks Paul’s pulse and it takes far too long, but he finally, _finally_ finds a weak beat and sighs in relief.

“Yeah, but it’s weak.” Callum looks to Chris, who’s just putting his phone away. 

“They’re on their way. Said not to move him.” Chris answers the unasked question. He looks pale and he’s shaking as well. And Callum remembers that Chris had been in an accident himself years ago. He would like nothing more than to send him away, but they all need to be here when the police arrive to give their statements. He looks to the car and sees that the airbag has been activated and the driver is not moving.

“Shit, the driver!” Callum gets up and runs over to the driver’s side and opens the door.

“Hey, are you alright?” he asks, trying to see if there is any blood. The driver, a woman, moans but she can move, and Callum already feels calmer.

“We called an ambulance. They should be here soon. What’s your name?” Callum wants her to talk, not wanting her to panic and hurt herself.

“I’m—I’m Amy. My chest hurts but everything else is fine,” she says slowly, her breath stuttering every now and then. “The man, how is he? He just stepped onto the street without looking. I tried—I tried to brake, but it was too late. Is he hurt?” And now she _is_ panicking, and Callum tries his best to calm her down.

“No Amy, it’s not your fault. He wasn’t looking where he was going. It all happened so fast. Please don’t worry. Help is on its way.” He looks back to Paul and now Ben is kneeling beside him, holding Paul’s hand. He’s whispering ‘please be okay’ over and over and Callum’s heart breaks all over again.

Callum wasn’t happy about Ben and Paul’s relationship, but he never wanted something like this to happen. He never wanted to see Ben like this, broken and hurting. 

~*~*~

When the ambulance had finally arrived, everything had happened in a blur. They'd asked about the accident and Callum had explained everything, with everybody else still being in shock. They’d taken Paul and Amy to the hospital immediately and Ben had gone with them. Callum had stayed back to talk to the police. He’d left their contact information with them and they’d all returned to the hotel only to get in their cars and to drive to the hospital they’d brought Paul to.

The hospital staff is stingy with information, even with Ben there. The only thing they know is that Paul is in surgery and that it might take a while. Callum hates hospitals, he has had his fill of them for a lifetime. And yet, here he is again.

“We should call Pam and Les, let them know what happened,” Lola says into the silence. They’re all in the waiting area, exhausted and tired. Jay is cradling a sleeping Lexi in his arms, with Lola by their side. Rainie and Stuart are sitting opposite of them, holding on to each other. Chris, Callum, and Ben are all standing, too nervous to sit still.

“Didn’t you call them when they brought Paul to the hospital?” Ben asks. He looks drawn, like he might collapse any minute. Callum would like to tell him to sit down and have a tea or coffee, but he knows it won’t do any good. Ben had already snapped at Lola when she’d suggested it.

“No, sorry,” Callum answers. “We were talking to the police and afterwards we rushed to the hospital. I—I should call them, probably.”

“No, I’ll do it,” Ben interrupts him. Callum wants to protest, but Ben shakes his head. “No, it should be me.” Ben insists and leaves to make the call. Callum watches him go.

Ten minutes later Ben comes back, looking even more done in then before.

“How was it?” Lola asks.

“How do you think, Lo? They wanna be here with Paul.” Ben sighs, rubbing his eyes. “I’m gonna drive up to get them. I don’t want them to travel on their own when they’re distressed.”

Before they can say anything else a doctor interrupts them.

“Paul’s family?” he asks, looking at them all questioningly.

“Yeah, I—I'm his... yeah, his family,” Ben stammers and steps up. They all gather around them and listen intently.

“Hi, I’m doctor Cavanagh, the lead surgeon in Paul’s case,” Doctor Cavanagh introduces himself, shaking Ben’s hand and giving the others a small smile. “First things first: the surgery went well. We were able to stop the bleeding. He had some fractures that we mended. We’ll keep him sedated for 24 hours to give his brain time to heal. For that he’ll be moved to the ICU in a while where you can visit him two people at a time.” He smiles at Ben, shakes his hand again and leaves.

They all fall into each other’s arms, smiling in relief. Callum feels like the weight of the world has been taken off his shoulders. If something had happened to Paul, he’d never be able to forgive himself, even though he’d never wished anything bad to happen to him in the first place. Ben extricates himself first and turns to look at them all.

“Okay, now. I don’t want Lexi to see Paul like that, so I’ll take her and Lola back to Walford with me.”

“But I want Callum to come, too,” Lexi says, having woken up from all the commotion.

Ben crouches down to her, holding her hands and smiling up at her.

“Callum has to stay here, Princess, in case the doctors have questions. He knows Paul best,” Ben explains. And he’s right, of course. Of them all, Callum has known Paul the longest, they’ve been friends for years. Even if it is the last thing Callum wants to do. He’d rather go back to Walford than stay here and wait for Paul to wake up. It feels too much like a vigil.

“Your dad’s right, Lexi,” Callum agrees with Ben, smiling down at her.

“No, if Callum doesn’t come, I won’t go,” she insists, stomping her little feet over and over again. Lola is trying to calm her down but she’s not having it. She’s causing a scene. The last thing Callum wants to do is spend more time with Ben than necessary, but by the way Lexi is going on he knows she won’t stop until Callum gives in. He touches Ben’s shoulder, making him look up. He gives a small nod, indicating that he’ll go with them. Ben sighs and turns back to Lexi.

“It’s alright, Lexi, come now. Callum has agreed to come with us,” Ben tells her. She stops her fussing at once, big tears hanging in her eyelashes and turns to Callum. When he nods, she pulls away from Ben and hugs Callum, burying her face in his tummy. Callum strokes her hair. He knows this isn’t about him but about what happened to Paul. But if having him around is comforting to her, he’ll gladly return to Walford with her.

~*~*~

They decide that Jay should stay back at the hospital in case something happens and that Rainie and Stuart should return to Walford as well. Back at the hotel they pack in a hurry and leave immediately.

Callum spends the journey in the back of Ben’s car with Lexi, signing with her and trying to take her mind off Paul. He makes her tell a story and asks questions. It’s a story about a girl who gets stuck in a lion pen. She tells him it’s one of her daddy’s stories, specially made up for her. Every once in a while, Callum catches Ben looking at them in the rear-view mirror, his face unreadable. Callum hopes he’s not overstepping with her, he doesn’t want Ben to think he is trying to wind his way into Lexi’s life.

When they arrive in Walford, Ben goes to get Pam and Les while Callum helps Lola and Lexi with their bags. Thankfully, Lexi is a little less clingy, so Callum steals away after giving Lola a hug and a promise to call her soon.

Back at the car, Ben is helping Pam get into the car with Les already sitting inside. When Ben closes the door, Callum speaks up.

“I helped Lola with the bags,” Callum tells him.

“Thank you,” Ben says. “And thank you for coming with us and humouring Lexi. Sometimes she gets in a mood and nothing else will do but what she wants.”

“Nah, it was nothing,” Callum says and scratches his chin. “I think it was about what happened to Paul and the shock of it. You should keep an eye on her, see if she has nightmares. She seemed well enough on the drive back, but you never know.”

“I’ll tell Lola.” Ben nods and then gestures to the car boot. “You got your bag out yet? Pam and Les are anxious to get going.”

“I’ll grab it now.” Callum moves around the car. He takes out his bag, closes the boot and takes a step back. When he looks up Ben has already moved to the driver’s side. He’s looking at Callum expectantly.

“Can you make sure someone messages me about how Paul is doing?” Callum asks.

“Will do. You still going off to visit Whitney, then?”

“I think so, yes. There is nothing I can do here right now but wait with the parlour being closed. And I can do that just as well in Bath. There at least I’ll have Whitney to keep me company.” He shrugs.

“Sure.” Without saying anything else, Ben gets into the car and drives off.

Callum looks after the car long after it’s gone, frozen in place. Ben’s sudden mood changes are giving him whiplash. One moment they’re talking normally, the next Ben has turned ice-cold and is ignoring Callum again. It takes everything in Callum not to move his hand to his heart and press down to try to ease the pain. It hurts. But Callum guesses he should be grateful that Ben is talking to him at all instead of ignoring him. He shakes himself out of his stupor and makes his way home. He hopes his visit to Whitney will be less tumultuous than the one to Brighton.


	3. part three: half hope

Callum checks in with Lola to see how Lexi is doing before he leaves for Bath the next morning.

“You look done in for,” Callum greets her when she opens the door.

“Thank you, that’s too kind. You don’t look so bad yourself,” she says, but there is no heat behind her words.

“No, I meant—”

“I know, Callum. It’s alright. It _was_ a difficult night.” She holds her cup up, asking if he wants one. Callum gives her a small smile but shakes his head. 

“Did Lexi have nightmares?” Lola looks tired, her hair is in disarray. She’s clinging to her coffee cup.

“Not nightmares, no, but it took her a long time to fall asleep. And whenever I tried to leave, she woke up. I spent the night with her in her little bed. My whole body hurts.”

“You want me to take her so you can get some kip?”

“Thank you, Callum, but you don’t have to.” She smiles at him faintly. “Kathy took her for the day. She told Lexi she wanted to spend some quality time with her granddaughter. But you can come back tomorrow if you want to. She likes you.” She looks at him questioningly.

“I would but I’m off to visit Whitney. I just wanted to see how you were doing,” Callum tells her, apologetic. 

“Right, you were meant to visit her now.” She nods. “So much has happened since yesterday morning that I totally forgot about that.”

“It’s not important, is it, considering what’s happened. And if there was anything I could do, I’d stay here. But there isn’t, so I might as well visit Whitney.” Callum shrugs.

“You do that. I’ll keep you updated on Paul if you want.”

“Yes, please do. Also, on Lexi, if it’s not too much trouble.” Callum smiles at her.

“I’ll text you, promise,” she says and smiles back.

“I should get going. Don’t wanna miss my train.” He gives Lola a one-armed hug and leaves. 

~*~*~

Whitney greets him at the train station, falling into his arms and hugging him like it’s been years when in reality it’s only been about six months. But Callum has missed her, too and he’s glad he decided to come here. At least Whitney will be able to take his mind off what’s going on with Paul. And Ben.

“I’ve missed you! Don’t ever let me wait this long until you visit again, mister!” Whitney links their arms and leads the way to her car.

“Excuse me! I’m the one with the job. You’re a lady of leisure, you could’ve got in your car and drove over to Walford!”

“Walford!” Whitney snorts. “No, thank you. I’m well rid of that place. Nothing for me there, but you. And we have much more fun here, admit it!”

“Well, if you put it that way, we definitely do!” They both laugh at their own antics. Whitney unlocks the car and they get in.

“Now, tell me everything that’s been going on in Walford!” she instructs Callum while she manoeuvres her car out of the parking lot. 

“I thought there was nothing for you in Walford?” Callum asks with a cheeky grin and Whitney swats at him. But when he thinks back to what’s been happening, the grin vanishes, and a grimace settles in its place. He buries his face in his hands and sighs deeply.

“What’s happened, Callum? Are you ok?” Whitney asks, her voice concerned.

“I’ll tell you everything when we get to your flat. This car is far too cramped for such a talk.”

“Hey, at least I have a car!”

“What would I need a car in London for? If I need one, I borrow Stuart’s car. You know, when he doesn’t need it for his business.” Callum shrugs. 

“His business, yeah,” Whitney snorts.

Callum turns to her, his brows furrowed.

“I don’t know why you’re laughing at it. It’s not a lesser business just because he’s selling flowers, you know. Not everyone can marry rich and do nothing all day long.”

“Callum, your dad left you a lot of money. Stuart could have done anything with his share, but he opened a flower shop.” She gives him an angry look. “And you, don’t get me started on you. You could lead a life of leisure yourself if you’d got married. But no, instead you’re stuck working in that awful funeral parlour.”

“Stuart is happy with his flower shop, Whitney.” Callum turns his head to look out of his window. “And so am I. Well, I was until Ben came back to Walford anyway,” he mumbles.

“What?” Whitney shoots him an unbelieving look. But Callum doesn’t react.

“Callum!” Whitney tries again, this time more insistent.

“Not in the car, Whitney! I told you.”

“Did he come alone?” Whitney asks. “No, wherever he goes, Jay follows. And of course, Lola follows Jay. I can’t believe they’re back in Walford.” Whitney is talking herself into a rage now.

“Whitney, please. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. But not in the car.”

“Fine!” she concedes. The rest of the car ride is spent in tense silence. Callum came to Bath to get away from Ben. But now he has to rehash everything for Whitney. He wishes he could just disappear, cease to exist. He sighs. From the side of his eyes he sees Whitney shoot him a concerned look, but she doesn’t say anything. Thank God for small mercies.

~*~*~

Once they arrive at the flat, Whitney pulls him to the living room and makes him sit down. She goes to the bar, pulls out two glasses and a bottle of Whiskey. She comes over to Callum, sits down beside him and pours them both a generous amount.

“Well then,” she says and gestures from Callum to his glass. She takes her own and takes a small sip, savouring the liquor. “We are in the flat now. Tell me when he came back.” Whitney’s voice is gentle, but her gaze is anything but. She’s not backing down this time.

Callum massages his head for a moment, trying to ease the already forming headache. He takes up his own drink and studies it, swirling it around in the glass. He sighs and then takes a big mouthful, the alcohol burning in his throat, making him wince.

“They came back about a month ago, their whole family. Apparently, Ben got a job in a big company and Jay and Lola followed him back because of their daughter. Jay took a job as manager at Coker’s.” Callum stops for a heartbeat, thinking how it hadn’t even been a month and how things already felt so much more different. He leans back and tells Whitney everything from the beginning. From seeing Ben and Lexi for the first time and finding out that Lexi is Ben’s daughter. About Paul and his crush and how it turned out that Ben likes him back. How he was witness to the blossoming relationship. He knows he sounds detached, but Whitney’s concerned looks tell him she knows it’s a front.

“And how do you feel about that?” she asks, studying his face. “That your friend and ex are dating?”

“How do you think?” Callum shrugs. “Walford is small, they were bound to meet. I didn’t expect if, of course, but that’s my own fault. They’re both gay, good-looking, and single. Why shouldn’t they date each other? Besides, I haven’t told Paul anything about Ben and me.” Callum covers his mouth with his hand, waiting for Whitney’s reaction.

“Why not? It wasn’t anything serious between you two. I doubt Paul would have a problem with it.”

“I don’t think anyone but you and Lola know about Ben and me, actually,” Callum continues. Whitney’s comment pains him because Ben meant so much to him, he still does. But he can’t let her know. She’d never stop berating him.

“Lola never said anything to me about it, and Ben certainly doesn’t seem interested in rehashing the past. So why stir things up about something that happened years ago?” He wants to bite his own tongue for downplaying how serious their feelings had been back then because it hurts. But all that is in the past, isn’t it? Apart from that first attempt at the housewarming Lola never said anything to Callum. And Ben certainly has moved on with Paul. So, the only person who’s still living in the past is Callum. And it is probably high time he moved on himself. He shakes his head and continues on, telling her about last weekend and what happened to Paul.

“And this weekend we all went to Brighton together.”

“Why the everloving fuck would you do that?” Whitney asks, her voice loud and shrill. Callum winces.

“It wasn’t my idea. Jay suggested a get-to-know-each-other-again weekend away for himself, Paul, and me, with Stuart and Rainie. And then he invited Ben, Lola, and Lexi along and made a ‘family’ thing out of it.” Callum shrugs. “I couldn’t get out of it.”

Whitney raises an eyebrow.

“But I got to know Lexi. She’s a clever little thing, you’d like her.” Thinking about her makes Callum smile.

“No, thanks.” Whitney shakes her head, a disgusted look on her face. “If I wanted to spend time with kids, I’d’ve had them myself.” Callum shakes his head at her and goes on.

“And we met a friend of Ben’s, Chris. He was nice.”

“Is he good-looking?” Whitney asks with a glint in her eyes.

“Very, and he’s gay.” Callum tells her, before she can ask. “But it will never happen, Whit.”

“Why not? You’re both single. Do you think he won’t because he’s Ben’s friend?” she asks, an eyebrow raised.

“No, it won’t happen because Chris lost his fiancée a while back and he’s still heartbroken about it,” Callum explains. 

“Give it time, he’ll move on.” Whitney says, making a throwaway gesture with her hand. Callum laughs at that.

“What?”

“It’s what I told him. I don’t think he liked that very much, though. He’s lost his fiancée years ago and is still in mourning. But I guess everybody deals with loss differently.” Not that Callum has a leg to stand on, never having moved on from Ben himself. He laughs at himself in frustration and musses his hair. He is annoyed about feeling like this. About standing still and not moving on. About living in the past, in memories that hold nothing but heartbreak.

“Why are you so frustrated?” Whitney asks with raised eyebrows.

“Because despite everything it was a good weekend until Paul got into an accident!”

“He dead?”

“Whit, come on!” Callum turns to her, outraged. “I wouldn’t be here if he was.”

“Just checking.” She shrugs, not the least bit sorry.

“You’re terrible!” Callum huffs out a laugh. Trust Whitney to not care about anybody.

“But you love me anyway.” She smiles at him, angel-like.

“Not sure why, but yes, I love you anyway.” Callum smiles back at her fondly.

“You know what you need? A good distraction. There is this guy—"

“No, Whit! No guys, please.”

“Come on, Callum. He’d be perfect for you.”

“I don’t know, Whit. With everything that’s been going on—” This time Whitney interrupts him.

“That’s why you need a distraction! Please! Have I ever led you wrong?”

Callum makes her wait, just looking at her. But he’s never been good at saying no to her and this time it’s no different. He sighs.

“Alright, you win. I’ll meet the guy. But! If I don’t like him, you’ll leave me alone about meeting anybody else. Deal?”

“Whatever you want, babe!” Whitney grins at him. She looks genuinely happy that he agreed to the meeting.

“We’ll go out tonight and if you don’t like him, there is plenty more where he came from.”

“What did we just say?” Callum asks, exasperated.

“Relax, I’m just joking. If you don’t like him, we’ll just leave. I don’t want to scare you off on your first night here,” she says, all smiles.

“Good. Now, do you have anything to eat in this house or do I need to cook, again?” he asks, changing the subject. Enough talk about Ben, Paul, and Callum’s non-existent love life.

“You know I love your cooking. So, I might’ve gotten some things for you to whisk up something yummy.” She bats her eyelashes at him, looking ridiculous. Callum throws his head back and laughs. He doesn’t remember why he didn’t wanna come here. He’s always had a good time with Whitney.

~*~*~

They’ve been in this bar for about half an hour, Whitney telling him what she’s been up to these past months. The bar is a cosy little thing; the staff had greeted Whitney by name and with kisses and hugs. It has a nice atmosphere, it’s not too dark like so many trendy bars where you can’t see anything or anybody properly. It has a small area where a few people are slow dancing. Callum has decided he likes it.

Callum has no idea what he’s drinking, but it’s fruity and boozy and he likes that as well. He relaxes, hoping against hope that this night won’t be a bust. He turns to Whitney.

“A good choice!” Callum tells her, pointing at his own drink.

“I know what you like, darling.” She smiles at Callum.

He grins back at her and turns to study the people in the bar. A tall blond man enters, looking around. He seems familiar, but Callum can’t place him and shrugs to himself. He keeps his eyes on the stranger though, as the man goes over to the bar and exchanges a few words with the bar tender. The bar tender points to Whitney and Callum, making the stranger turn and look at them. A big smile appears on his face and he slowly makes his way to their table. Callum turns to Whitney, who has an equally big smile on her face.

It takes Callum a moment to remember they’re here to meet Whitney’s friend. Right. He puts on his game face and smiles as well.

Whitney gets up and they fall into each other’s arms, hugging and laughing. They let go of each other and turn to Callum.

“Johnny, this is the famous Callum I've told you about.” She winks at Callum, full on smiling. “And Callum, this is Johnny.” She points to Johnny, her smile turning to a sharp grin.

Callum just extends his hand for a handshake, not getting up. Johnny smiles at him with a twinkle in his eyes and shakes Callum’s hand.

“You look familiar.” He studies Callum, his brows furrowed. “You weren’t in Brighton a few days ago, were you?”

Callum tilts his head to the side and studies Johnny for a moment. He did look familiar, that’s what he’d thought, too, when he’d seen Johnny first. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t place you.” Callum shakes his head. “But yes, I was in Brighton last weekend.”

“Right,” Johnny says, his face brightening. “You’re the tall one from the ice cream shop!”

Callum blushes, ducking his head. Ah yes, the man who’d looked him up and down just when Ben had been leaving the shop with Lexi. He smiles, looking at Johnny from under his lashes.

“Guilty as charged!”

“How marvellous that you’re Whitney’s Callum. She’s told me so much about you!” Johnny says and takes a seat beside Callum. “I bet she never mentioned me, did she?” His smile is mischievous. Against his better judgement Callum is charmed.

“Not one word,” Callum says, shaking his head. They both turn to Whitney, looking at her questioningly.

“What?” she asks, looking at them with big eyes. “I forgot, okay? Johnny doesn’t stay here long, always on the road because of his business.” She shrugs and takes a sip from her drink.

“What do you do?” Callum turns back to Johnny.

“Oh, I’m an independent consultant for trading companies. I go wherever I’m needed.”

“Okay.” Callum has no idea what that means. And apparently Johnny knows that because he makes a throwaway gesture and shakes his head.

“It’s a boring job to do with money. Loads of calculations and predictions.” He smiles. “What about you? Whitney never mentioned what you do,” he says, looking over to her. Whitney shrugs.

Callum rolls his eyes at her and shakes his head.

“I work at a funeral parlour.” At Johnny’s questioning look Callum goes on. “The clients come in and I plan the funeral with them and when it’s time for the funeral, I manage everything so that nothing goes wrong, and the dead have a peaceful and dignified last journey.”

Johnny looks at him with an intensity that makes Callum feel not right in his body.

“I like helping people.” He looks down and shrugs.

“Yeah, Whitney mentioned you having a soft heart,” Johnny mumbles, making Callum look up at him. Johnny isn’t looking at anyone in particular, just sipping his drink that was brought while they were talking. Callum isn’t sure if Johnny means that remark to be condescending, but he doesn’t like it when people call him soft-hearted. Because he knows they say it as an insult, always laughing behind his back. _Callum with the soft heart and soft touch, he’ll do anything for you, just ask. Even if he doesn’t know you._ Callum takes a sip of his own drink, pondering whether to answer or not. Let them try to exploit me, he thinks. I won’t let them change me. The world is terrible enough and I like being kind.

“Please stop talking about your dull jobs and entertain me. I’m bored,” Whitney whines, making the decision for Callum.

~*~*~

An insistent buzzing yanks Callum out of his sleep the next morning. He opens one eye first, thanking the heavens for having the foresight of closing the blinds last night. When he opens his other eye as well, a blinding headache makes itself known and Callum groans. He’s never gonna spend another night drinking with Whitney again. He buries his face in his hands and slowly massages his head. Not that it helps, but Callum will try anything.

His mobile chooses that moment to buzz again, making Callum groan loudly. He’s on holiday, who the fuck calls this early? With one hand covering his eyes, he stretches out the other to the bedside table, looking for his mobile. When he finds it, he slowly pulls it to his face, squinting at it when the too bright light of the screen hurts his eyes. He has five missed calls and three text messages. He has no idea what could be that important, his brain is still mushy from the alcohol, barely working. He puts the phone on his chest and just closes his eyes intending to go back to sleep.

Not a minute later Callum’s brain makes the connection and he remembers Paul and the accident and that he’d told Lola to call him if something changed. Callum opens his eyes, clambers up on the bed and takes his phone. He reads the messages first. And breathes a sigh of relief. Callum smiles and nods to himself, glad that his friend is awake and ok. Apparently, they’re gonna keep him in the ICU for at least one more day before they move him to a normal ward.

He types a quick thank you and lies back down, pulling his blanket over his head. It’s too early for the chaos in his mind and he’s not sober enough to deal with it. 

~*~*~

When Callum wakes next it’s to Whitney’s hand playing with his hair. He’s confused for a moment, not understanding what Whitney is doing in his bed. He makes a questioning sound, trying to turn away from her.

“Are you awake, yet?” Whitney asks, her hand stilling.

“No,” Callum mumbles, trying to hide his face under his pillow. But Whitney is having none of it, she pulls it away. Callum slowly opens his eyes to his bright room.

“Yes, you are,” she insists, now pulling his blanket away as well. “Go get washed up. Johnny is coming over. You don’t wanna smell like last night’s booze, do you?”

“But we just saw him yesterday. Can’t we do something just the two of us?” Callum asks, rubbing the sleep off his eyes.

“Nope. You had fun last night. And we’re gonna continue having fun until you’ve forgotten what’s waiting for you at home,” Whitney tells him, walking out of his room.

Callum can only groan. That’s why he didn’t wanna come here. Whitney’s always on the move and he can’t just sit down and relax for a moment. He sighs, defeated. Whitney will have her way, no matter what. So, he stretches in bed until he hears a small crack and then gets up to get ready.

~*~*~ 

A week goes by and Callum is having more fun than he’s had in ages. He guesses it’s because he’s finally been able to let go of Ben and start living his own life. However painful it has been.

Besides Whitney, Callum spends a lot of time with Johnny. He is good company and he takes Callum’s mind off Walford. Though Callum is still not sure why he’s so interested in Callum. Callum is a former military man with a medical discharge, and he works at a funeral parlour. There is nothing special about him. He doesn’t understand why Johnny, a successful businessman would find him interesting.

A couple times now Johnny tied to make a move on Callum. So far, he’s been able to block all those advances. As fun as Johnny is, there is something about him that makes Callum hesitate. And he’s not forgotten Johnny’s remark about Callum being soft-hearted. It didn’t sound anything like a compliment and it’s driving him a little nuts.

Callum is getting ready to go out with Whitney on Friday morning when his phone buzzes insistently. When he’s finally dressed, he goes over to the dresser to check his phone. He has a missed call from Paul. He finds a voice mail and presses the button to listen to it.

“Callum, hi!” Paul’s voice sounds cheerful, it makes Callum smile. He’s missed his friend and he’s glad that Paul is doing well again. “I’ve heard you’ve left me here in Brighton to go visit Whitney. Shame on you!” He laughs. “No, just kidding. Good on you to take that long-overdue holiday. I’m on the mend. Actually, I’m well enough to be discharged soon. But that’s not why I’m calling. I wanted you to hear it from me. I’M ENGAGED!” Callum’s smile freezes and he stops moving around. Listening intently.

“Can you believe it? Me, getting married? I know it’s way too soon and we’ve just met but when you know you know. Why waste any more time? Oh, crap. I gotta go, my doctor just came in and he’s not happy that I'm on the phone. Talk to you soon!”

Callum crumbles to the floor, a sob escaping his mouth, his hand still clutching his phone. He’d known all along that Ben had moved on. He’d tried his best to prepare his heart for it. But apparently, he hadn’t succeeded.

He’d thought he’d known pain with his injury years ago and that it couldn’t get any worse. But he’d been wrong. His heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces, cutting into his soul. It hurts. His breath is hitching, he isn’t getting any air. He can’t breathe, he’s suffocating. His chest is getting tighter and tighter.

He lets go of his mobile and hugs himself, rocking where he’s sat, trying to calm down. _Come on, Callum. You’ve known all along where this was going,_ he tells himself. There is no reason why it should hurt this much. And yet, the pain is killing him.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, but when he feels calm enough, he texts Whitney, telling her that he’s having a migraine and that he can’t go out today. He gets up, closes the blinds, and lies down, trying to shut away the world for at least today.

Not ten minutes later Whitney knocks on his door, trying to get him to open it. Callum had learnt from his first morning here and had started locking his door so that Whitney couldn’t barge in whenever she was in the mood for it.

“Callum open the door. Please, I just wanna check on you.” Callum doesn’t answer.

“If you need anything, let me know,” she tells him and goes away, leaving Callum finally in peace.

He couldn’t have faced her now. She would have asked what was happening once she’d seen his face and he wouldn’t have been able to keep it together. He needs this day, just one day, to mourn the loss of the love of his life. He’ll be okay and he’ll move on tomorrow. He just needs today to hurt in peace and then he’ll be fine. 

~*~*~

Callum had cried himself to sleep that day, waking up every now and then, confused, and disoriented, with a gruelling headache and heavy eyes. And then he’d remembered Paul’s news and he’d cried himself to sleep again.

He’d woken up this morning, determined to put Ben and Walford behind him. He’d sent Paul a message to congratulate him, hoping they’d be very happy together. Then he’d called Jay and resigned from his job at the parlour. Jay had been shocked but when Callum had explained the reasoning behind his notice Jay had understood. He’d wished Callum all the best and hung up.

When he’d got back from the army, and finally beat his injury and could walk again, the job at the funeral parlour had been the only one he could take, not being able to do proper physical work without hurting himself again. Some days even standing too long hurt him. But he’d made it work and that job had been his anchor, his reason to get up every morning. And for a long time that had been enough. But he doesn’t wanna work there anymore, doesn’t wanna see Jay, and Paul, and Ben there every day, no. Right now, he doesn’t know what he wants to do but he won’t starve, he has some money saved. So, he’ll take his time and find something he likes doing. Something that helps people. He’ll have to think about it.

When he leaves his room, Whitney is already up and has breakfast prepared. Callum smiles at her and sits down, taking a big mouthful of hot coffee.

“Are you feeling better today?” she asks, a concerned look on her face.

“Yes, tons. Sorry for yesterday. Haven’t had such a terrible migraine in ages. But sleep helped and I'm fine now.” He gives her another smile, hoping she’ll leave it at that.

“If you say so.” She studies him for another moment. And then she smiles. “Now, what do you wanna do after breakfast? You can choose since you’re leaving tomorrow.” 

“Well...” He pretends to think about it. “I thought I might stay a while longer, if you’ll have me.”

“Of course, you can. How long are we talking about?”

“Uhh... I just quit my job at the parlour without any clear plans what to do next. So, I’d say a while.” He grins at her. Whitney screeches, getting up and hugging Callum.

“Oh my God, Callum! You finally did it! You’re free of that dreary place! Well done, you!” She swats at him playfully. “What made you change your mind?”

“I woke up this morning and thought to myself it was time. I’ll forever be grateful to Pam and Les for taking me in and showing me the ropes at a time when no one else was willing to give me a job. And I definitely wasn’t ready to get married so that I could get my inheritance.” He stops for a moment, thinking back to all those years back. How he’d got out of the army on medical discharge. How long it had taken him to walk again after all the physical therapy he had to do. And his father’s death.

“It was the job that I needed back then. But I think it’s time to move on. I’m in a better place now than I was back then. I want to do something else. Something that challenges me. I know I have limited choices due to my injury. But I want to find something that’ll make me happy. And I thought as long as I don’t have to work, I can spend some more time with my best friend!”

“I’m so proud of you, Callum.” Whitney takes his hand and squeezes it. “You can stay as long as you want, darling. I’m happy to have you here with me.”

“Thank you!” Callum squeezes her hand back and smiles at her.

~*~*~

The time Callum spends with Whitney in Bath changes him. He feels like a new man. He feels more like himself, more confident.

He guesses it helps that Johnny is still pursuing him, though a little too aggressively for his liking. Callum is flattered but he’s not ready for a serious relationship. He’d tried telling Johnny, he wanted to be honest about his feelings, but Johnny had laughed it off. And as fun and charming as Johnny is, there is something not quite right about him. Callum can’t put his finger on it, but it’s the other reason why Callum can’t commit to him, no matter what Johnny or Whitney say. But as long as Callum is in Bath, he doesn’t mind spending time with him.

Paul had tried calling him a few times, but Callum hadn’t been in the mood for it. He’d always texted him back, but never asked about the engagement or Ben.

He’d talked to Lola once, though. She’d called to tell him that Paul would be coming back to Walford soon and that everybody was excited about the engagement and that Lexi had insisted on being a flower girl at the wedding. At that point Callum had lied about having to go and hung up. He’d taken a moment to be sad but then he’d shaken himself out of it and had moved on.

Because he _is_ happy that Paul is well again and that him and Ben are getting married. That they found love in each other. But as much as he’d like to pretend to have moved on from Ben, there is a jagged wound in his heart that’s healing only slowly. And he’s not at that stage where he can listen to others going on about the happy couple.

So, Callum stays with Whitney, goes out to bars and clubs with her and Johnny and has fun. But he also thinks about what he wants to do with his life. He doesn’t wanna wait for a prince charming to come along so that he can get married and claim his inheritance.

Callum wants to do something worthwhile, something that helps people but makes him happy at the same time. He gets the idea one night when he’s talking to Johnny about his discharge from the army.

“Oh, it was a medical discharge? Whitney didn’t say anything about that.”

“Yeah, she knows it’s not something I like talking about.” Callum gives Johnny a small smile. “I got injured while I was on tour. Got shot in my leg. Couldn’t walk for a while. Got PT and all that to get me back to where I am today.” Callum shakes his head.

“But I was one of the lucky ones. I got to leave on a medical discharge. They paid for everything, the surgeries, the PTs. If I hadn’t had family to live with, they would’ve helped me get a flat as well. I know of people who didn’t even get half of that.”

“The army refuses to help?” Johnny asks.

“I guess it depends on the person who is responsible for your case. And depending on the injury, some people just don’t have the power to fight for their rights, you know.” Callum feels frustrated on behalf of his injured mates.

“Sounds terrible.”

“It is. Sometimes I wish I could do something to help them.” Callum sighs.

“Is there something you can do, though?” Johnny asks, looking at Callum questioningly.

“I don’t know. I know there are organisations that help ex-army personnel. I guess it’s a matter of getting in touch with them and getting involved.”

“Is that something you want to do?”

“I never thought about it to be honest. But I guess I could look into it.”

Once the idea had taken root in his mind, Callum hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. Johnny had changed the subject by telling him there was nothing he could do about it then and talked about something else. But Callum’s mind had been spinning. He’d badly wanted to leave and do research.

And that’s what he’d done when he’d finally got to Whitney’s flat. He’d sat down and looked up organisations and charities that help ex-services personnel. He’d found some interesting charities and marked them to look into them later. He’d gone to bed with a clear plan that night.

~*~*~

“Oh Callum, there is no money in charity work.” Whitney shakes her head at him when Callum tells her what he wants to do. They’d decided to go out for breakfast, the sun shining brightly outside.

“I’m not doing it for the money, Whit! I want to help people!”

“Yes, but how will you live? On the measly money you get for your injury? That’ll hardly be enough,” she mocks.

“Come on, Whit. How much money do I need? I have the money saved that we got for selling my dad’s old house. I live with Stu and Rainie rent-free. And my stipend is enough for everything else,” Callum tries to explain.

“I suppose you can marry rich. And once you’re married, you’ll get your inheritance and you’ll be set for life.” Whitney pets Callum’s hand, her smile condescending.

“That’s not—”

“Come now, darling. I know you like living with your head in the clouds, but it won’t always be like this. One day you’ll wake up and you’ll want your own house, your own family. And your volunteer job at a charity won’t be enough anymore. But until then, go and do what you must. But don’t forget where you belong.”

Callum hates it when Whitney gets like this. When she pretends that love and kindness are weaknesses and that money is all that matters. He can’t talk to her when she gets like this.

“Yeah, sure.” Callum gives her a quick smile he doesn’t mean and excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Whatever Whitney says, Callum won’t change his mind. He’s determined to help those in need.

~*~*~

Callum doesn’t let Whitney’s snobby attitude deter him from going into volunteer work. He looks into the two charities he’d found the most interesting, what they’re doing to help and how he can get involved in them. And for the first time in a long while he feels good about himself, about his life. He’s not there yet but he’s on the move and he likes that feeling.

About a month into his stay with Whitney, Callum finally answers one of Paul’s calls. He’d dodged so many of them and Paul had been calling less and less as time went on. But today Callum feels good enough about himself that he doesn’t mind talking to Paul.

“Paul, hi,” he greets and is met with silence.

“Callum! You answered your phone!” Paul laughs after a moment. “Sorry, I didn't expect that. Hello, stranger! How have you been?”

Callum laughs as well. He didn’t realise how much he’s missed Paul.

“I’m sorry, Paul. My head was a mess and I needed to sort out some things. How are you? Are you back home, yet?”

“Yes, I got back a couple weeks ago. I’m back at work as well. Seeing as someone just upped and left.” Paul sounds curious rather than angry. 

“I know. I’m sorry, _again_.” Callum pauses for a moment. “I just—I don’t know what it was. I guess I was stuck and the only way out of it was leaving the parlour and staying away for a while. But I’m better now.”

“Does that mean you’ll come back for my engagement party?” Paul asks, he sounds hopeful.

Callum closes his eyes. He knew this was coming and still. He shakes his head at himself.

“If you still want me to.”

“Of course, I want you to. You’re my friend,” Paul says with passion. “I want you there. We want you there. Chris will be happy to see you again.”

“Oh, is Chris coming, too?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be an engagement party without my fiancé there, would it?” Paul laughs.

“What?” Callum asks quietly, standing up.

“Chris Kennedy? You remember him? Ben’s friend from Brighton? My fiancé?”

“I know who Chris is, Paul,” Callum says. He’s going up and down in his room now, too agitated to sit. “I’m just confused. Are you telling me you’re engaged to Chris?”

“Yes, silly. Didn’t you know?” Paul asks. He sounds genuinely surprised.

“Paul, the last time I saw you, you were in a coma lying in a hospital bed and you were kinda dating Ben. Forgive me for being confused that not a month later you’re engaged to someone else.” Callum knows he sounds angry, even though he doesn’t mean to be.

“Oh, well, yes. That’s... yeah. Uhh, here’s the thing. Ben had to work a lot and Chris was with me all the time and one thing lead to another and now we’re engaged. If there is one thing I learnt from my accident, it’s that life is short, and it's not waiting for you. Chris and me, we just fit. I guess it was meant to be.” Paul explains, his voice full of wonder and love.

“And Ben? He understands that. He knows me and Chris were meant to be. He’s not angry at either of us. Quite the opposite, actually. He’s happy for us. He’s even helping Chris find a job here, so we can live here.” Callum doesn’t know what to say to that. His brain is trying to process all this information but it’s too much.

“Listen, Paul. I’m happy that you and... and Chris found each other. And I’ll come to your engagement party. I will. But I've got to go now. I’ll talk to you soon!” Callum hangs up, not giving Paul time to say anything more.

He looks around his room, still not sure what just happened. He takes a couple steps to his bed and sits down gingerly; he’s having a hard time moving his body. This is a cruel joke. Paul isn’t marrying Ben but Chris. And Ben is helping them? No, it doesn’t make any sense. Callum lets himself fall back and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to think about what this could mean because hope is a dangerous thing. And yet he can’t help it. He falls asleep thinking about what ifs.


	4. part four: tell me not that I am too late

The knowledge that Ben and Paul aren’t getting married embeds itself into Callum’s brain and he can’t stop thinking about it. He doesn’t tell Whitney anything about it until the day he leaves for Walford because he knows how she’ll react.

But whatever he does it’s in the back of his mind. Ben isn’t getting married. He’s a free man. And no matter how hard Callum tries, how often he tells himself to stop being stupid, he can’t kill that tiny bit of hope that’s taken root in his heart.

A couple days after their phone conversation Paul sends him a message, inviting him to his engagement party in a week. And there it is, in black and white. Paul is engaged to Chris.

Callum doesn’t know what to do. Just because Ben isn’t dating Paul anymore doesn’t mean he wants Callum back. On the contrary, Ben has been clear in his behaviour towards Callum that there are no feelings left on his part. And just because Callum was never able to move on from Ben, doesn’t mean Ben will accept Callum back in his life. All Callum can hope for is Ben’s friendship.

~*~*~

The week till Paul’s engagement party goes by too fast and suddenly it’s Friday. Callum packs only the bare necessities, intending to come back to Bath on Sunday the latest. At breakfast he tells Whitney of his plans.

“No, absolutely not. You’re not going back to Walford. And definitely not to watch Ben be loved up with Paul,” she protests, shaking her head vehemently.

“It won’t be Ben that Paul’s loved up with,” Callum tells her. At her unbelieving look he continues. “I might have forgotten to tell you that Paul is engaged to Chris. You know, Ben’s friend from Brighton?”

“What?” Whitney shouts in surprise. Callum knows the feeling.

“Yeah, apparently they fell in love while Ben was away working?” Whitney snorts. Callum shrugs in answer.

“Don’t ask me. I don’t understand what’s going on either. Paul just told me that him and Chris are engaged, and that Ben has absolutely no problems with it. He’s even helping Chris find a job in London.” Callum knows he sounds surprised because he still is. It’s been over a week since he got the news that Paul would be marrying Chris and he’s still not worked through it. His mind is making slow progress.

“Well then, when are we leaving?” Whitney asks, pulling Callum out of his thoughts. Callum looks at her, confused.

“My train leaves in an hour. The party is tonight but I wanted to get there a bit earlier, visit Stuart and Rainie and maybe see Paul before the party.”

“That won’t do. I won’t be ready till then.” Whitney gets up from the table. “I’ll go get ready and pack my bag. And then we take my car. It’ll be much better than being stuck on a train.” Whitney gives Callum a too sweet smile and leaves the room, not giving Callum the chance to protest. The only thing he can do is look after her with an open mouth. Callum sighs. He should have just left without telling her. She would’ve been angry, but she would’ve gotten over it eventually.

~*~*~

Two hours later and they’re finally on their way to Walford. Whitney had taken her time getting ready, coming back into the living room every few minutes to ask him how long they would be staying, if the engagement party had a theme and such things. By the time they hit the road Callum feels exhausted and would rather not go back to Walford. But he’d promised Paul he’d be there, and he can’t go back on his word. Not this time.

“I don’t understand why you’re coming with me, to be honest. You hate Walford,” Callum says, turning down the radio. Once Whitney had hit the motorway, she’d turned up the music and not spoken a word since.

“Nonsense. I don’t hate it. I grew up there,” Whitney replies, eyes concentrated on the road.

“Whit, you’ve wanted to leave Walford for as long as I’ve known you. Always talking smack about the place and the people. I’ve never seen you as happy as the day you left Walford.” Callum looks at her, trying to gauge her mood.

“Well, seeing as it’s a happy occasion with Paul not being dead and getting engaged, I thought I’d give it a try. See how everyone is doing.” She gives Callum a quick smile and turns back to the road.

Callum knows this can’t be it. Whitney has never liked Paul, she always thought he was the reason why Callum didn’t want to leave Walford after his father’s death. But after the army, Walford had been a constant he’d needed. At first it had been about his family, but his father hadn’t had a use for a crippled son – his father’s words – and Stuart had been too busy trying to please their father to be a good brother – not that he’d succeeded.

But Walford had been his home, everything had been familiar. He knew his way around, every little corner and nook and that’s what he’d wanted when he came back. With his injury, it had felt like his life was slipping through his fingers, so he needed the familiarity of Walford to keep him sane.

But Whitney never understood that, never having liked Walford herself. She’d upped and left the first chance she’d got and never looked back. Not that Bath was more interesting than London or had better clubs. No, Whitney just wanted to get away from Walford and live her own life. And the apartment her dead husband had left her afforded her a good life in a quiet city where she could pretend to be a lady of society.

Callum sighs, whishing their journey to be over. They don’t talk for the rest of the drive, both lost in their thoughts.

~*~*~

Walford hasn’t changed a bit since Callum’s gone away. It’s still the same little busy place it’s always been, with the same sounds and smells. Callum smiles to himself, he’s missed this place.

Whitney had opted to get a hotel room, not wanting to stay with Stuart and Rainie. Not that Callum is sure that Rainie would have wanted Whitney in her house. Whitney had burnt a lot of bridges before she’d left Walford. Stuart and Rainie had got their fair share of choice words from her as well. And where Stuart was on the forgiving side, Rainie was the complete opposite. She slagged Whitney off whenever she could, never mind that she was Callum’s best friend.

“Callum!” The high and happy shout from Lexi makes Callum turn around. And just in time, because she barrels into him, hugging him tightly. Callum lets go of his bag and hunches down to hug her back almost as tightly.

“You’re back!” Lexi screams into his ear, making him flinch. Still, he can’t help but smile at how excited she is to see him again.

“Hey there, little princess,” Callum greets her.

“Look who finally returned from his holiday,” Lola says, making Callum look up. She is standing behind Lexi, looking down at them fondly. 

“Hey Lo!” Callum gets up and he hugs her as well. When they let go of each other Lola swats him.

“Didn’t realise you’d be gone this long! Why didn’t you say anything?” she asks.

“It was a spur of the moment thing.” Callum shrugs. “Didn’t Jay tell you?”

“Yeah, he told me alright. Just said you’d changed your mind about working at the parlour and quit. That’s not an explanation, Callum! What happened?” she asks, looking at him questioningly.

Callum shrugs again, putting his hands into his jacket pockets. He looks around, trying to buy some time. But there is nothing. He sighs.

“No reason, really. It was just time. The job was always supposed to be temporary. It’s not what I wanted to do with my life but at the time I didn’t have a anything else. But it’s not the right place for me anymore. So, I quit,” Callum explains. 

“No, that doesn’t tell me much either. Did—”

“Mummy, we need to get ready!” Lexi interrupts her and Callum loves her for it. Lola sees his relieved smile and gives him a mock glare.

“We’re not done talking about this, mister! But we do need to get ready.” She takes Lexi’s hand and they turn to go home. She gives him one last look over her shoulder.

“See you at the party, yeah?”

“Yup!” Callum smiles until she turns around and leaves. Then he lets his head hang and sighs. This is gonna be a long weekend.

~*~*~

When Callum gets home it’s empty. He sighs in relief and goes to his room to get changed. His room looks the same, though it’s clean and his linen are fresh. It makes Callum smile, that Stuart has kept it clean for him.

After their father’s death their relationship had changed for the better. Stuart had been free to do what he always wanted to do – marry Rainie, whom their father had never liked. Thanks to their marriage, Stuart had got his inheritance and he’d been able to open a flower shop. He’d also bought a house and told Callum that he’d be welcome there for however long he wanted to. They’d sold their father’s house - too many bad memories – and Callum had been living with Stuart and Rainie ever since. Stuart still didn’t have much time for Callum, particularly in the beginning, because he had been trying to establish his business. But Callum had never resented him for that. He had been happy for Stuart that he knew what he wanted to do and that he put himself out there and made his dreams come ture.

With a much lighter heart Callum puts his things away and goes to freshen up. When he’s ready for the party, he goes downstairs and is pleasantly surprised to see Stuart at home.

“Bruv!” Stuart throws himself at Callum, hugging him with his whole body. Callum laughs, hugging Stuart back just as tightly. He’s missed his brother.

“Why didn’t you say something? I’d’ve gotten you from the station!” Stuart claps Callum’s back heartily, smiling brightly.

“There was no need. I came with Whitney.”

“Oh. Is she here, too?” Stuart asks, looking around the living room.

“No, don’t worry.” Callum laughs. “She checked into a hotel. She knows how Rainie feels about her.” Callum ducks his head.

“Women, ey?” Stuarts says, cheekily.

“I wouldn’t know,” Callum answers and they both laugh.

“It’s good to see you, bruv! I missed you!” Stuart hugs Callum one more time and lets go of him. They both sit down.

“I missed you, too, Stu! How’s everything?” They’d texted each other a few times but Stuart isn’t really big on texting, so Callum didn’t want to pester him too much.

“Same old, same old. Busy with the flower shop. Rainie is as always looking for new ways of making us more money. How about you? Finally decided on what you wanna do with the rest of your life, then?”

“I have some ideas.” Callum grins.

“You finally found your way back home, then?!” Rainie interrupts them, coming into the room. Callum gets up and goes to hug her.

“I’m glad to see you back home,” she whispers into his ear. Callum smiles, as if Stuart doesn’t know what a softie she is. She lets him go and looks him up and down.

“You coming to the party with us?”

“O’course! Wouldn’t miss it for anything!” Callum replies.

“Let me get changed quickly and we can head out.” She kisses Callum’s cheek, blows another to Stuart and goes upstairs. Callum turns back to Stuart, who’s still staring after Rainie, a soft look on his face. This is what Callum wants. Being still in love with his partner even after being together for many years.

~*~*~

The engagement party is at the Prince Albert, held as a private function so it’s only family and friends. There are pictures of the happy couple everywhere. Callum would be surprised there are so many, but this is Paul’s engagement and he loves taking pictures. Especially selfies. Not that Callum can fault him, they do look gorgeous together.

Callum follows Stuart and Rainie to the bar and orders himself a beer. While he waits for his drink, Callum turns around and tries to make out who’s already here. If he’s being honest, he’s only looking for Ben. But Callum can’t see him anywhere. Nor Lola and Jay, for that matter. So, they’re not here yet. That’s when he spies Paul and Chris in a corner, surrounded by people.

When Callum gets his drink, he makes his way towards the happy couple. He stands back for a moment, not wanting to interrupt. Chris sees him first, his face lighting up and making Paul turn towards Callum as well.

“You came!” Paul exclaims, breaks away from the group and throws his arms around Callum. They sway a bit, both happy to see each other.

“O’course! I promised, didn’t I?” Callum detangles himself from Paul and takes a step back. “You look good! How are you feeling? All healed up?”

“I’m much better now. It’s all healed up. I just have to be careful with strenuous activity.” He wiggles his eyebrows and laughs at his own joke.

A hand at his back startles Callum, making him turn around. It’s Chris.

“Hi Callum.” He smiles shyly, ducking his head.

“Chris, hi!” Callum hugs him as well. “Congratulations on your engagement, you two. I’m happy for you!”

“Thank you!” Paul and Chris say in unison, making them all laugh. Before Callum can ask anything else, Pam interrupts them.

“Callum, my dear. It’s good to see you!” She pats his cheek and Callum smiles at her. “I’m sorry, but I have to steal away Paul from you boys for a minute.”

“O’couse,” Callum says and Chris nods. Paul blows them both a kiss and walks away with Pam. Callum and Chris stand together without saying anything for a moment.

“So,” they both say at the same time. They grin at each other and Callum once again observes how much younger Chris looks when he’s happy.

“You first,” Chris tells him.

“I just wanted to say how surprised I was to hear about your engagement. You know, because of Ben and—”

“And Frank?” Chris asks, smiling ruefully. Callum nods.

“Paul’s accident was a shock but at the same time it was the wake-up-call I needed,” he says and looks down.

“This may sound stupid, but when Paul was in surgery, I prayed for him to pull through. I promised Frank I’d let him go and live my life. And when Paul woke up, I kept my promise.” He shrugs.

“You were right, Callum. Frank would have wanted me to be happy. And Paul makes me happy.”

“I can see that. I’m glad!” Callum nods.

“And Ben... Well, it’s not my place to say anything about that. But rest assured nothing happened between Paul and me before we talked to Ben,” Chris explains.

“I wasn’t insinuating anything, please believe me.” Callum shakes his head. “I was just surprised because everything happened so fast.”

“Trust me, no one was more surprised than me. But seeing Paul in the hospital like that, it did something to my heart. We formed a bond. And I do love him!”

“What went down between you three is none of my business, Chris. What matters is that you and Paul are happy, and that Ben wasn’t hurt in what went down.” Callum tries to reassure Chris.

“You can see for yourself.” Callum furrows his brows in confusion but before he can ask what Chris means, Paul comes back, bringing Ben with him.

“I had to rescue him from a drunken lady. She didn’t care that he’s gay, wanted to give him a taste of her—” 

“Thank you for that,” Ben interrupts him. Paul grins. “She was very handsy.” Ben looks embarrassed, his cheeks tinged red. While Chris and Paul are teasing Ben, Callum looks his fill. He feels like a starving man who finally gets to eat his favourite meal. Going back to not seeing Ben after seeing him every day for a month has been difficult, even though it was needed. But now Callum is free to look without feeling guilty. And he takes advantage of that.

“What about you?” Ben asks Callum, looking at him directly.

“What about me?” Callum is caught off-guard; he was only half listening. He’s not used to being spoken to directly by Ben. Their last conversation had ended abruptly, leaving Callum standing alone in the middle of the street.

“Are you gonna make fun of me, too?” Ben looks at him questioningly. Though Callum feels like Ben is trying to tell him more than that. But Callum also knows that’s only wishful thinking on his part. 

“I don’t do that,” Callum answers, taking a sip from his drink.

“I remember a time when you would have.” Ben’s voice is soft. He hasn’t looked away from Callum even for a moment and that makes Callum hesitant. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Let’s go dance,” Chris interrupts them, pulling Paul away. He gives Ben an insistent look, but when he turns to Callum, he’s all smiles.

Callum moves towards Ben, to make space for Chris and Paul to go through. It should feel awkward without anybody else being there and filling the silence between them but for the first time in a long while Callum feels calm, centred. He could spend the whole party standing beside Ben, their shoulders almost touching and not say a word and it’d be the best day of his life. He’d always felt calm and at home at Ben’s side. He’s missed that feeling.

“Those two.” Ben says into the silence between them, making Callum turn to him. “Who’d have thought, ey?” Ben doesn’t look sad or angry but still, Callum hast to ask.

“So, you’re not—?” Callum gestures towards Paul and Chris, who are dancing slowly to a song that is anything but. They’re lost in their own world.

“What?” Ben looks from Callum to the other two and back again. “Oh no, no. I mean, Paul and me… it wasn’t that serious.” He holds Callum’s gaze when he says the last bit. Callum swallows and turns away from Ben.

“I’m glad Paul managed to get Chris out of his shell. He seemed sad when I first met him,” he says.

“He was,” Ben nods. “Paul is not Frank. A man like him and a love like that. You don’t forget them that easily.” Callum can feel Ben’s gaze on himself again and he blushes. Every minute spent in Ben’s company makes the hope in his heart pulse stronger and grow another branch.

“But they’re good for each other,” Ben continues. “Paul will make Chris livelier—”

“And Chris will help Paul settle down, become a little calmer,” Callum finishes for Ben. They both laugh, turning towards each other. Callum has always loved Ben’s face best when he laughs and it’s still the most beautiful thing Callum’s seen in his life. Callum feels captivated by the merry look in Ben’s eyes. He never wants to look away.

“Daddy!” Lexi calls from behind them and Ben closes his eyes and sighs. Callum can feel Ben’s sigh and wonders when they’d got that close to each other. He takes a step back, turns around and sees Lexi making her way towards them, weaving through the adults who don’t pay her any mind. Callum looks for Lola and finds her standing at the bar with Jay, following Lexi’s path with her eyes. Lexi comes to a stop in front of Ben, completely ignoring Callum.

“Daddy! You promised me we would dance!” Callum’s heart warms at the sight of her. She’s wearing a princess dress and she looks adorable with a tiara on her head. He can’t help but smile. He loves that she always has this effect on him.

“Of course, princess.” Ben smiles at her like she’s his whole world. And Callum knows that she is. Ben gives Callum an apologetic smile and leads Lexi to the dance floor where Chris and Paul are still dancing. Callum looks after them, not wanting to miss them being sweet together. And they don’t disappoint.

Ben lets Lexi stand on his toes so that she can reach him better and turns her around the dance floor. Callum can hear her little giggles.

Callum doesn’t get another chance to talk to Ben alone for the rest of the party. There is always someone with them. But Callum can feel Ben’s eyes on himself and looks at Ben as often he can in return. Even though their private exchange was short, Callum feels like something has changed between them. And Callum hopes against all odds.

~*~*~

Callum doesn’t sleep much that night. He can’t stop thinking about Ben and how things suddenly shifted and changed between them. He replays and analyses everything Ben has said during their short conversation. Adding the way Ben had looked at him to the mix and Callum’s heart starts beating in overdrive.

He just doesn’t know what to do. He knows he broke Ben’s heart all those years ago and that Ben had a hard time forgiving him. If he forgave Callum at all. But Callum has changed, he feels more like himself than he’s ever felt. And if Ben ever gave him another chance, he knows he’d do anything in his power to make things work and to make Ben happy.

So, Callum tosses and turns all night, but it’s no help. The only thing he knows is that he can’t rush Ben. And that it’s Ben decision if he wants to give them another go or not. He gives up on sleep and gets up to go for an early morning walk to clear his head. 

Callum walks around aimlessly, he watches Walford wake up slowly and the market filling with people. He’s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t hear Ben come up behind him.

“Good morning,” Ben greets him, touching his arm. Callum startles violently, nearly shouting.

“Sorry!” Ben apologises and takes a step back from him. “Didn’t realise you were this skittish.”

“No, no,” Callum shakes his head. He’s breathing heavily, his hand still over his ricocheting heart. “It’s my own fault. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Heavy thinking this early in the morning? Must’ve been something important,” Ben observes.

Callum shrugs, not ready to share his thoughts.

“What are you doing up this early?” he asks and starts walking towards the café. Ben falls into step with him.

“I’m on a sticky bun run for Lexi. As if she didn’t have enough cake last night. But I can’t say no to her. She’s my little princess.” Ben smiles fondly.

“She’s lucky to have a dad like you.”

“I try.” Ben shrugs. “I just want to be a better father than my own dad. I want her to know that she can rely on me no matter what.” Ben stops for a moment.

“Talking about fathers. I’m sorry you’ve lost yours.” Ben looks at him quickly and then turns back ahead.

Callum takes his time answering, enjoying their slow stroll. He studies Ben, who hasn’t shaved yet today. Callum likes it.

“He was a hard man to please,” Callum starts. “The only time he was proud of me was when I was in the army. When I left with a medical discharge, he didn’t take it well.”

“Medical discharge?” Ben asks, concern evident in his voice.

“Yeah. I can tell you if you have a few minutes. But I don’t want Lexi going without her sticky buns if she’s waiting for you.” They’ve reached the caff and even though Callum would like to spend more time with Ben, he doesn’t want to keep him from Lexi.

“No, it’s fine. She isn’t up yet. She requested the buns yesterday evening for being good and not eating too much cake.” They both laugh. 

“After you, then,” Callum says, still smiling. They order Lexi’s sticky buns and coffee for themselves and take a seat. They sit in silence for a moment, both enjoying their coffees. Ben is the first one to break the silence.

“I didn’t know you’d left the army on a medical discharge. What happened?” he asks, fiddling with his coffee cup.

“I got shot in my right leg during a mission. It did quite a number on me, took me out for a while. I couldn’t walk.” Ben straightens in his seat, his eyes becoming huge. Callum just shrugs.

“I’m okay now. It took loads of PT and willpower but as you can see, I’m as good as new.”

“That’s why you were taking breaks and standing up when we were building Lexi’s sandcastle in Brighton!” Ben observes. Callum nods.

“Yeah, I can’t kneel for too long. It hurts after a while. Standing for too long or taking too long walks makes it hurt as well. I think my dad took it worse than I did. He didn’t want me to go to the army in the beginning. But then he’d relented, he’d hoped it’d make me a man. I was too soft for him.”

“I don’t think you were too soft. A pushover, perhaps, but not too soft,” Ben throws in. He’s not looking at Callum.

“Oh, I definitely was a pushover, didn’t know my own mind back then.” Callum nods.

“And you do now?” Ben asks, his voice soft. He looks up and their eyes meet. Callum doesn’t look away; he wants Ben to understand.

“I know what I want now.” Ben’s serious face melts with his smile and his eyes look like they’re sparkling. Callum feels a small touch on his hand and looks down. Ben’s right hand lies between them on the table and his little finger is brushing Callum’s hand. It makes Callum smile and he looks back up at Ben.

An insistent buzzing interrupts their moment, breaking their eye contact. They both reach into their pockets but it’s Ben’s phone.

“It’s Lola. Lexi is up and wants her buns for breakfast.” Ben sighs, dropping his head on his hand. He takes a deep breath and looks up. “I better go. Don’t want the little princess to wait too long. See you later?” he asks, a little hopeful.

“Yes, definitely!” Callum nods, giving Ben a big smile. Ben gets up, takes the paper bag with the sticky buns, and turns to leave. He looks back to Callum one last time before he leaves, giving him a small smile.

When Ben is gone, Callum laughs out loud. He can’t believe that just happened. This feels like a huge step in the right direction and Callum can’t stop himself from feeling happy.

~*~*~

Callum meets Whitney for a drink at the Prince Albert that afternoon. He’s surprised she agreed to meet him in Walford but he’s not gonna complain.

“So how was the party? Anything exciting happen?” she asks. She doesn’t sound particularly interested; she’s just making conversation.

“Nope, just a normal engagement party,” Callum says, shaking his head.

“How was the couple?”

“Good!” Callum smiles cheerfully. “They looked happy. And Ben doesn’t seem to hold a grudge against them. He seems genuinely pleased for them.”

“You spoke to him?” Whitney raises her eyebrow, her voice judgmental.

“Why shouldn’t I? We’re both adults, Whit.”

“Could’ve fooled me with all your moping. And your foolish pursuit of going into charity work.” She rolls her eyes.

“Whit!” Callum sighs. He’s tired of talking in circles with her. She’ll never stop pestering him, but he’s made up his mind. He doesn’t wanna change it just because Whitney doesn’t like his life choices.

“We’ve talked about this. I wanna do something worthwhile with my life, help others. And no amount of complaining from you will change that!” Callum looks away from her, signalling her that he’s done with the conversation. He’s looking at the punters, hoping to see Ben amongst them when he sees someone else who looks familiar.

“Is that—? Whitney, is that Johnny?” Whitney turns around and her face breaks into a big smile. She lifts her hand and waves. It _is_ Johnny and he makes his way towards them.

“There you are. I’ve been looking for you two everywhere!” Johnny says and hugs Whitney. Callum is too surprised to say anything, so he just stands up and hugs Johnny as well.

“What are you doing here?” Callum asks once Johnny sits down.

“Looking for you, of course!” Johnny smiles brightly.

“No, not in the Albert,” Callum shakes his head. “I mean, what are you doing in Walford?”

“Well, you two left so suddenly and I always wanted to see where Whitney grew up even though she never said anything good about this place. And here I am!” He grins at them. “I’ll get myself a drink. I’ll be back in a minute!”

Callum looks after Johnny and when he’s too far away to hear them, he turns to Whitney.

“What the hell is he doing here, Whit? You don’t buy that story about wanting to see Walford, do you?”

“Why not? I do talk a fair bit about this place. Granted, it’s mostly negative, but I guess it made him curious.” She shrugs. “Or he came because you left without telling him and he’s missed you?” She looks at him pointedly.

“Whit, I’m not Johnny’s boyfriend, no matter how much he’d like that! I’ve always been honest with him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. If he’s come after me now, that’s his own business and nothing to do with me!” Callum feels himself getting angry. He doesn’t understand why Whitney is pushing Johnny at him so much. He doesn’t want Johnny, no matter how charming he is.

“I don’t know why you’re being such a prude! He is a good-looking bloke and he clearly likes you. Though right now I don’t know why. What more do you want?” She asks, crossing her arms.

“I want to be _in_ _love_!” Callum says. “I don’t feel anything for Johnny, even after all the time we’ve spent together. Yes, he’s good-looking and he’s charming. But I can’t make my heart feel something for him that’s not there. There is no spark. And I want you to understand that!”

Callum stands up and makes his way towards the door, not giving Whitney any chance to annoy him anymore. Johnny intercepts him.

“What happened? Why are you leaving?” Johnny looks from Callum back to the table Whitney’s sitting at.

“I’m sorry, I have a headache. I need to lie down for a bit.” Callum tells him.

“You want me to come with you?” Johnny asks. 

“No, thank you. I live just round the corner, I’ll be fine. It was nice seeing you again.” Callum doesn’t wait for an answer, he just leaves.

Callum’s excuse to Johnny is not a lie. Whitney’s constant insistence on meddling in his life gives him a headache. He’s never realised how much she does it until now. When he was young and lost it was a relief not having to think for himself. Every decision he’d made for himself had brought him nothing but heartache. So, having someone else in his life to steer him in the right direction had always felt right. And Whitney had been his best friend, he’d always trusted her instincts. But now, he’s not so sure anymore. He mostly feels like a puppet that she orders around. But no more. Callum is ready to make his own decisions and to live with the consequences, no matter what. 

~*~*~

Callum hides away in his room in Stuart’s house, knowing Whitney won’t come near it no matter what. He needs the time to calm down. He doesn’t remember the last time he’d got that angry at someone. He lies down on his bed and closes his eyes just for a moment.

The insistent buzzing of his phone wakes Callum up. He feels disoriented and blinks a couple times before he realises he’s fallen asleep. Another round of insistent buzzing reminds Callum of his phone and he grabs it from his nightstand. He answers without checking the caller ID, remembering too late that it might be Whitney.

“’lo?”

“Callum, hi. It’s about time. What took you so long?” Callum sighs in relief, it’s Lola.

“Sorry, fell asleep. What can I do for you?” Callum rubs the sleep out of his eyes and sits up.

“You can come to dinner at our place. We haven’t seen you in ages. And before you say anything, last night doesn’t count!”

“Yes, I’d love to!” Callum says, a little too fast.

“That was easy,” she laughs. “I thought I’d need to do more to persuade you to come over. But Lexi will be made up. See you at six-ish?”

“Sure! I’ll be there. You want me to bring anything?” he asks.

“Nah, just yourself! See you later!”

“Bye!” Callum stays on his bed for a long moment. He’s having dinner with Ben’s family tonight. Ben will probably be there as well. He jumps off his bed and does a little happy dance. He can’t wait for tonight. He stops and checks his watch. He doesn’t have long to get ready. He leaves his phone on his bed and rushes to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

Callum’s glad that most of his good clothes are here and yet it still takes him a while to decide on what to wear. In the end he puts on a dark grey dress shirt with dark blue skinny jeans. Happy with the way he looks, Callum goes by Stuart and Rainie’s shop to get Lola flowers.

“You look nice, bruv. Where you going?” Stuart asks.

“Lola invited me over for dinner. Since she’s doing the cooking, I thought I’d bring her flowers.” Callum smiles shyly.

“Pick whatever you think she’d like, they’re on me.”

“Stuart, I can pay for the flowers. I do have money!” Callum protests.

“It’s not about you not having money. You’re my brother and it’s just one bouquet. I won’t starve because of that. Now, pick whatever you want, and I’ll arrange them for you.” Stuart insists and Callum relents. He shows Stuart what he wants, and Stuart arranges them wonderfully.

“Thank you, Stu! They look lovely!”

“You’re welcome. And now get outta here and have fun!” Stuart shoos him out of his shop, making them both laugh.

Callum nervously makes his way to the Mitchell-Brown house, feeling just as anxious as he did the night of the housewarming party. Only this time it’s for a different reason. And yet, Callum can’t stop flattening his shirt and fiddling with his hair. It feels like it’s coming undone, but he can’t do anything about that now because he’s already arrived.

Callum rings the bell and hears Lexi’s excited voice proclaiming that she’ll get the door. Not a moment later she opens it and ushers him in.

“You came!” She pulls him inside to the living room. “It’s Callum!” she shouts excitedly, making her parents turn.

Lola and Jay are setting the table and Ben is nowhere to be seen. Callum feels disappointed but tries not to show it. He goes up to Lola, kisses her on the cheek and gives her the flowers.

“These are for you. Since you’re doing the cooking, I thought the least I could do is get you flowers.”

“Well, Ben is cooking, I’m just setting the table,” Lola informs him, making Callum’s heart jump.

“In that case I should give these to Ben,” Callum says, making them all laugh. Their laughter brings Ben into the living room.

“What’s that I hear about flowers for the cook? Oh Callum, you shouldn’t have!” Ben’s wearing a black apron over a maroon pullover, a wooden spoon in his left hand. He’s the most beautiful thing Callum’s seen in his life. 

“You know me, I’d do anything for food,” he says after staring at Ben a moment too long.

“I remember that,” Ben replies, winks at him and turns back into the kitchen.

Ten minutes later they’re all sitting at the table, eating chicken pasta. It’s Callum’s favourite dish. He’s not sure if it’s a coincidence or if Ben remembered and cooked it especially for him. He smiles to himself and tucks in, enjoying the delicious food.

They talk about the engagement party and how happy Chris and Paul looked together. Lexi is already excited about the wedding even though there isn’t a set date yet. She announces that she wants to wear another beautiful princess dress, making the adults laugh.

“You’ll come to the wedding, right?” Lexi asks, looking at him with her huge eyes.

“Of course, I will. Wouldn’t wanna miss seeing you in your beautiful dress now, would I?” Callum tells her.

“Will you bring a date to the wedding?” Lola asks, her tone teasing. Ben and Jay perk up at that.

“Not that I know of,” Callum answers, confused by her question. He looks to Jay and even dares a quick glance at Ben. They seem just as clueless.

“Not even that Johnny fella I saw Whitney with?” She wiggles her eyebrows, grinning. She looks ridiculous. From the corner of his eyes Callum sees Ben stop eating.

“Why would I?” he asks.

“Isn’t he your boyfriend? He followed you here from Bath. That’s so romantic! And you never said anything!” she says gleefully.

Ben chooses that moment to stand up abruptly.

“I gotta go. I forgot I had to finish something for work,” he informs them and goes to leave.

“Can’t it wait till after dinner?” Jay asks.

“No, it’s important. I’ll see you later.” Ben leaves through the kitchen, without looking back to his family.

“Excuse me for a moment.” Callum gets up and hurries after Ben.

Callum finds Ben right outside the house; he hasn’t left yet. He’s standing with his back to the door, looking up to the sky, his body tense. The door opening makes him turn around. When he realises it’s Callum, he takes a step away, making to leave.

“Ben, wait, please.” Ben stops, but he doesn’t turn around.

“Won’t you at least stay for dessert?” Callum asks, almost pleading. “We were having a good time. And your family, they—"

“My family understands. And there is nothing else worth me staying for,” Ben tells him and leaves.

Callum can only look after him, devastated. He doesn’t understand what happened to change Ben’s mind. They’d been fine during dinner, laughing together. It had felt like old times, before Callum had destroyed everything. And yet, something had made Ben change his mind. He hopes it wasn’t Lola’s story about Johnny. Why would she think that Johnny is Callum’s boyfriend? Had Johnny told her? Had Whitney?

Callum sighs and goes back inside. In the living room Lola and Jay are having an animated conversation in hushed tones. Lexi is nowhere to be found. Callum clears his throat and they stop talking.

“I should get going as well,” Callum says apologetically. “It’s late and I don’t want to intrude.”

“No, please stay. Just because Ben’s being an idiot again—"

“This isn’t about Ben,” Callum tells them. “It’s been a long day and I didn’t sleep well last night. But thank you for a lovely dinner. It was delicious. Say bye to Lexi for me!”

“Mate—” Jay starts, but Callum doesn’t give him the chance to say more. He smiles at them and turns around and leaves the same way Ben did.

On his way home Callum thinks about Whitney and Johnny and what he wants from his life. He makes a decision and nods to himself. It’s time to start living his life the way he wants to.

~*~*~

The next morning Callum calls Whitney and asks if she wants to go back home earlier.

“Did something happen last night?” Whitney asks.

“No, nothing. I just wanted to get a move on, you know. But if you want to stay, I can take the train, no worries.”

“No, no. I’ll come with you. And just so you know, Johnny’s already left last night. He really didn’t feel welcome with the way you behaved!” Whitney tells him. Callum knows she wants him to feel guilty, but it isn’t his fault Johnny came to Walford.

“I never asked him to follow us here, Whit. It was his own decision. And we were only gonna stay the weekend anyway. I still don’t understand why he came here.”

“To see you, silly. Don’t you get that? That man is so into you, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. And here you are, flaking out on him.” Whitney says.

“Not again, Whit. If you’re gonna spend the whole journey pestering me about Johnny, I’d rather take the train.”

“Alright, I’ll stop. But only until we get back home.” Callum can hear her smile. She thinks he’s being cute. Callum shakes his head, but he doesn’t say anything else on the subject.

“When can you be here?” he asks, checking his watch.

“Give me an hour. I’ll need to pack my things and check out. I’ll call you when I get there.” She sounds cheerful. Callum knows she can’t wait to leave Walford again.

“Okay, see you in a bit. Bye!”

“Bye darling!” 

Callum sighs. He should feel bad for using Whitney to go back to Bath only to get his things. And normally he would, but lately things have felt off with her. The way she talks to him, the way she behaves. Callum isn’t so sure about their friendship anymore. She’s always been his best friend, but he wonders if that is true. He’d always let her do whatever she wanted, never questioning her or her motives, following her blindly. And he keeps wondering who had told Lola that Johnny is his boyfriend. He’s not sure he wants to know the answer. What he does know is that he wants to live in Walford again. He’s missed being here.

Callum knows Whitney won’t be happy when she finds out he’s moving back to Walford. But it’s his life and he’s finally ready to live it the way he wants to. No explaining himself to others, no excuses. Just him and his wishes. And if he fails, he’ll have failed on his own terms. Then he’ll get up and try again.

~*~*~

Back in Bath, Callum locks himself in ‘his’ room and takes deep breaths. The drive back had been exhausting. Whitney had made plans what they’d be doing next, though generously giving Callum permission to pursue his _foolish_ charity plans. Callum hadn’t said much, just nodded and let her talk.

And of course, he feels bad about leaving her alone here, but he can’t live his life for other people, not even for her. Not anymore. Look what that had done to him. He has to do what is best for him now.

Callum packs his things quickly, not wanting to lose more time. He has a long journey ahead of him and wants to be back in Walford before it gets too late. When everything is packed, he carefully opens his bedroom door. He listens for sounds but can’t hear anything. 

“Whit?” he calls out, hoping she might either have gone out or is in her room. When she doesn’t answer, he sighs in relief and tries to sneak out. He gets to the door and is just about to leave his keys on the sideboard when Whitney calls for him.

“Callum? Are you going out?” she asks from the living room. Callum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. For a short moment he contemplates leaving his bag at the door, so Whitney won’t know he’s leaving for good but he’s not that much of a coward. He opens his eyes again and enters the living room. Whitney is lying on the sofa, her eyes closed.

“Whit.” Callum doesn’t say more. Whitney opens her eyes and looks for him. When she sees the bag in his hand, she sits up, turning towards him.

“What’s going on?” she asks, her face turning serious.

“I’m going back to Walford,” Callum tells her.

“We just got back from there. If you wanted to stay longer, we could’ve!” She doesn’t understand, Callum can see the confusion in her eyes.

“I’m going back home, Whit,” he explains. “It was fun being here with you and being free to do whatever I wanted. But it’s time that I go back to the real world.”

“Why?” she asks. “We’ve been having so much fun!”

“It was always gonna be temporary, Whit. Whether I leave today or in two weeks won’t change that. I needed time away from Walford to clear my head and to understand what I wanted from my life.” He shrugs. “And now I know. And I just want to move on with my life. I’m tired of standing still.”

“And you couldn’t tell me that before we went to Walford?” The look she gives him is bitter. 

“I didn’t know—”

“I bet it was one of your friends who put those thoughts in your head, weren’t it? We were happy before you went back there. Why can’t you stay here? With me?” She gets up, coming up to him, almost begging.

“That’s not fair, Whit. They don’t even know I’m going back.” He looks at her beseechingly, trying to make her understand. “You know I love you and I love being here with you. But Walford is my home. I’ve always loved living there.”

“That place has brought you nothing but pain and heartache. Your mum left you there. Your dad died there. How can you love it?” She’s getting desperate now, Callum can see that. Why else would she bring up his parents?

“But it’s also the place that brought me happiness. It’s where my brother and sister-in-law live. And more importantly, it’s the place I wanna live in. I don’t have to explain my choices to you, Whit. Not to anybody. I’m thankful you gave me a place to stay when I needed it but now, I’m going back home.” He squeezes her arm and gives her a small smile. Then he turns away from her and leaves.

He closes the door behind himself and stops for a moment, taking a deep breath. Callum hates the way he’s leaving her but she’s never going to understand his need to live his own life. And he doesn’t get that. She, who’d left Walford as soon as she could. She, who’d insisted on living her life the way she wanted to no matter what people said. He shakes his head and leaves for the train station, not looking back.

~*~*~

Callum spends the train ride back home alternately contemplating whether he’s done the right thing with Whitney and what to do about Ben. He’s pretty sure about Whitney. She needs clear boundaries when it comes to Callum. Last night had shown him that. Why else did Lola think Johnny was Callum’s boyfriend? Whitney must’ve told her that. And even though Callum is sure she didn’t mean any harm by it, it might have been the reason why Ben left so abruptly. But last night he hadn’t been able to make that connection to explain the truth to Ben. He’ll have to try to clear things up with Ben tomorrow.

It’s early evening when Callum arrives back in Walford, the square slowly quieting down for the evening. He walks back home, enjoying being back no matter how difficult things have been these last few years.

Back home, he finds Stuart and Rainie cuddled up on the sofa, watching something on TV. It’s rare to find them like this, enjoying a quiet evening. They work hard but they’re happy. He wants that for himself.

“Back again so soon?” Rainie asks, not moving from her place in Stuart’s arms.

“Hi bruv, welcome back home!” Stuart waves. Callum waves back, smiling.

“Yeah, I missed you two! I—” The doorbell ringing interrupts Callum.

“Nah, you stay put. I’ll get it!” Callum tells Stuart and Rainie when they try to get up and goes to answer the door. The person on the other side of the door is a surprise.

“Hi, I—” Ben stops when he sees Callum. He just blinks, not saying anything for an uncomfortably long moment.

“Are you alright?” Callum asks when Ben still doesn’t say anything.

“Yes! Sorry! I just didn’t expect to see you here…” Ben says and trails off again.

“In the house I live in?” Callum asks.

“Yeah, no. I’d heard you’d gone back to Bath—”

“Yes, to get my things,” Callum tells him. “I’m moving back.”

“You are?” Ben asks, sounding surprised. “What about Johnny?”

“We’re just friends. We spent some time together in Bath. But that’s it,” Callum explains. He’s relieved he can clear up the miscommunication.

“And you don’t like him like that?” Ben asks and closes his eyes. He looks pained. “I mean, you don’t want to be with him?” He opens his eyes again, staring at Callum directly. Callum thinks this might be it, that Ben might say something about them.

“No, I don’t have any romantic feelings for Johnny whatsoever. I know he likes me as more than friends, but I’ve always been truthful with him when it came to my feelings.” Callum gives Ben a small smile, hoping this will be enough.

Ben looks relieved, smiling back at Callum.

“Was there a reason you were asking?” Callum prompts. When Ben loses his smile, Callum thinks something bad has happened again and braces himself for the worst.

“I don’t know how to say this because I don’t want to hurt you,” Ben begins, and Callum’s mind is overturned by one bad thing after another.

“I found out today that Johnny was interested in you because of your inheritance,” Ben says, bringing Callum’s mind to a stop. Callum blinks several times, trying to process what Ben is saying.

“What?”

“Chris knows Johnny; they’ve had work dealings with each other.” He pauses for a moment, as if gauging how Callum’s gonna react to what he has to say next. “He’s friendly with Johnny’s partner.”

“His partner?” Callum asks hesitantly. He doesn’t actually want to know but he can’t stop himself from asking.

“His name is Charlie Savage and he works for Johnny. But… they’re also sleeping with each other,” Ben tells him, looking apologetic.

“But I don’t understand. Why pursue me then?” Callum is not sure what to feel. There’d always been something off about Johnny, but Callum never could have imagined it to be a secret lover.

“He knows about your inheritance,” Ben explains. “Apparently he’d had some dealings with your father before he died and knows that you’ll get a large sum once you get married.”

“But he has money of his own!” Callum is confused, yes. Definitely confused. He shakes his head.

“He’s lost most of his money in the stock exchange, made bad investments. Apparently, he thought he could marry you and persuade you to invest your money with him.”

“And his partner?” Callum barely dares to ask.

“He made him the offer to keep the affair going even after he married you.” Ben’s voice is soft, as if saying those terrible things quietly will make them hurt less.

“I’m sorry, Callum,” Ben says and closes the distance between them. He takes Callum’s right hand in his own and squeezes it.

“I needed to tell you before something happened between you two and he hurt you.”

Callum can’t keep his eyes away from their hands. It feels like it’s been ages, the last time Ben’s touched him. His hand is just as warm as Callum remembers. Ben’s body always ran hot.

“No, I—I’m fine. I think. I just didn’t expect something like this.” Callum shakes his head again.

“Do you think Whitney knows about Johnny’s money troubles?” Callum asks suddenly. He feels sick just considering such a thing, but she’s been pushing Callum and Johnny at each other from the beginning. He’s not sure what to believe.

“I don’t know, Callum. Chris only—”

“Callum, what’s taking you so long?” Stuart opens the door, interrupting them. Ben takes a step back and lets go of Callum’s hand.

“Ben, hi!” Stuart smiles. “What are you doing out here? Come on in.”

“Thank you, but I just needed to speak to Callum quickly. And Lexi is waiting for me at home, it’s my turn to tell her a good night story. Some other time, yeah?” He smiles at them both, his eyes lingering on Callum for a moment before he turns around and leaves.

“Did something happen?” Stuart asks, studying Callum. “You look shaken.”

“No, everything’s alright,” Callum tells him. “Let’s go inside. Have you two eaten yet? I could cook us something? Or d’you want takeaway?”

Stuart looks like he’s gonna ask another question but then he smiles.

“We missed your cooking. But there’s nothing in. Let’s order something.” Stuart says, turning to go back inside.

Callum sighs in relief. He’s not sure he’d be able to lie to Stuart right now if he’d pressed a little more. He shakes his head and follows his brother inside.

~*~*~

Callum begins to think it was a bad idea to come back to Walford, only because he has another sleepless night. He could say it’s because he hasn’t slept in his own bed for too long, but the truth is, he can’t stop thinking about what Ben had told him. His mind is busy trying to understand why Johnny would target him and what Whitney’s role in this whole mess is. He doesn’t want to believe that she knows why Johnny was pursuing him, but her actions are speaking against her.

He gives up on sleep at dawn, kicking his blankets away and sitting up. He takes deep breaths, holds them in and then exhales slowly. He needs to calm down his mind. All this pointless contemplation isn’t doing him any good. His head feels like it’s about to burst. He sighs one last time and goes to get changed. He hopes another early morning walk will do him some good.

Downstairs, he goes to the kitchen and takes a painkiller. He doesn’t fancy walking around with a pounding head. Done in the kitchen, he goes to the front door. Before he can unlock the door a letter on the floor catches his attention. He wonders for a moment why they’ve got mail this early in the morning, but the thought vanishes quickly, leaving Callum to pick up the letter.

The envelope is plain white, it has only his name on it, written in ballpoint. There is no stamp on it, so someone must have put it through the letter box last night or early this morning. He turns it around but there is nothing else on it.

Callum moves to the living room and sits down on the sofa. He wants to rip open the letter but something inside him tells him to be careful. Callum’s hands are shaking, though he doesn’t know why he’s nervous. Very slowly and carefully he opens the envelope. There is a letter in it. And behind it a photo. He turns the photo around and gasps. It’s a photo he knows well. The one Lola had taken of him and Ben on the park bench, the same one Callum has in in treasure box. Ben’s photo looks newer, less frayed around the edges. Callum very carefully strokes over their faces and smiles. He has an idea who this letter is from and when he opens the folded paper, Callum’s eyes land on the signature. He feels too scared to read it. But then again, he’s also afraid of not knowing what it says. He takes a deep breath and starts reading.

> Callum,
> 
> I can no longer listen in silence. I have to tell you how I feel. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more yours than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say you are insignificant enough to be forgotten. I never did. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconsistent. Even when I was angry at you and trying to hate you, I was missing you with every fibre of my being. I have loved no one but you. You alone brought me back to Walford. For you alone I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Tell me that I’m not too late, that you still have feelings for me. If it’s not so, tell me at once and I will forever remain silent.
> 
> Yours, Ben

Callum can’t believe what he’s reading. Ben is still in love with him, has never stopped loving him. A sound escapes his mouth, half sob, half laugh. Callum quickly covers his mouth, not wanting to wake up Stuart and Rainie. And yet, the joy he’s feeling right now wants out. He wants to scream out loud, shout his love into the sky. But most importantly, he wants to tell Ben that he is still in love with him as well.

Callum pulls out his phone and checks the time. It’s too early to call Ben yet. He starts jiggling his leg, which in return makes him think back to their talk on the park bench all those years ago. He hangs his head, sighing. He’s waited so many years to tell Ben how he feels, a couple more hours won’t do any harm.

Callum puts the letter and the photo back into the envelope and puts the envelope in the back pocket of his jeans. Then he pulls his legs up and lies down on the sofa, rereading Ben’s letter in his mind over and over again.

~*~*~

“Cal!” Someone touches Callum’s shoulder and he startles awake. Callum looks around, confused where he’s at.

“Finally! Took you long enough,” Rainie says, going into the kitchen. “What are you doing down here?” she asks, and Callum can hear her put on the kettle.

“Couldn’t sleep and got up to go for a walk,” he tells her and then he remembers Ben’s letter, his hand checking his back pocket. It’s still there.

“In that case, I apologise for waking you up,” she tells him, coming back into the living room. “Stuart’s already left and I’m off in a bit as well. You can go back to sleep if you want to!”

“He already left?” Callum picks up his phone and checks the time.

“Gotta go, sorry!” Callum gets up and hurries out of the house. Outside, he hesitates for a moment but then gives in and tries to call Ben. It goes straight to voicemail and Callum curses. 

If Ben’s phone is off, Callum will have to go to him. He makes his way to the Mitchell-Brown house and rings the bell. It takes a moment until Lola opens the door.

“Lo, hi.” Callum is not disappointed it’s Lola who answers the door, definitely not. His eyes move from her to the inside of the house.

“This is a nice surprise,” she tells him, smiling. “You wanna come in?”

“Uhh, no. I was actually looking for Ben. Is he in?” he asks, feeling nervous.

“No, he already left. Did you try calling him?”

“Yeah.” Callum nods. “But it’s going straight to voicemail,” he says, looking down.

“Shall I try his work?”

“Nah, don’t worry. It was nothing important.” He smiles at her and turns to leave.

“You sure you don’t wanna come in? I can make you a cuppa and we can have a chat,” she tries but Callum shakes his head.

“Thank you but I gotta go. See you later, yeah?”

“Yeah, ok.” Callum can feel her eyes on his back, so he doesn’t look back. He tries Ben’s phone once more but still nothing. He sighs. He doesn’t wanna go home just yet. His mind is too loud for him to sit still, so he takes a turn to the park and just walks.

And stops in his tracks right away. Because Ben is sitting on the bench he’d waited for Callum on their last day together all those years ago, this time without coffee.

“Ben!” Callum doesn’t mean to shout but he can’t help himself. Ben is a sight for sore eyes. Callum feels like last night has been ages ago and he’s been hungering for Ben for years. And after all this time, all the heartbreak and pain he’s finally free to shout out his feelings.

At his name Ben turns and when he sees Callum he stands up and makes his way to Callum. He looks determined and Callum feels rooted to the spot, not able to move. And if he could, he’d only move towards Ben, meet him halfway.

Ben stops in front of Callum, not even half a metre between them. But he doesn’t say anything, just looks at Callum. And Callum knows it’s his turn now. His move to make.

He pulls out Ben’s letter and brings it between them, showing Ben. Ben looks at it and then back at Callum.

“I’m in love with you, too.” Callum says. “I never stopped loving you. I—”

In a sudden move Ben closes the gap between them and cups Callum’s face in both his hands. But he doesn’t kiss Callum, just studies his face for a long moment.

“Are you sure?” he asks then, his voice soft. Callum can only nod.

“Because I once believed I knew you better than I know myself and you turned around and broke my heart. You can’t do that again.” Callum can hear the pain he’d caused Ben.

“And you can’t imagine how much I regret that; how sorry I am for what I did to you. To us.” Callum moves even closer to Ben, putting his own hands on Ben’s hips, pulling Ben to himself.

“I’m in love with you. And nothing can persuade me otherwise!”

This time Ben doesn’t hesitate, he pulls Callum’s face down and kisses him. And Callum let’s go of everything and just feels. Kissing Ben feels the same it did all those years ago but at the same time it’s so much more. They’re both different people now.

He’s missed this, missed kissing Ben. Missed how kissing Ben makes him feel.

They break off their kiss, but stay in each other’s space, just breathing each other in. Callum opens his eyes and finds Ben already staring at him. And he’s missed this as well, seeing Ben’s lips wet and swollen from their kisses. He leans down for another kiss, just a soft one. He steals his kiss and leans his forehead on Ben’s.

“I’ve missed you,” Callum whispers and closes his own eyes.


	5. epilogue: that such precious feelings are gone for ever

They stand in each other’s arms until a dog bark has them leaping apart. Ben rolls his eyes and they both laugh. Callum takes Ben’s hand and leads him back to the bench. It feels like a déjà vu. 

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Ben asks. Callum nods. 

“But this time I will listen and not let anybody put doubts in my head.” Callum takes a deep breath. “Will you please tell me the story of Lexi’s conception?” 

Ben studies him for a long moment and then nods. 

“Lola and Jay realised early on that they were it for each other. They had their ups and downs and people trying to pull them apart. But they’ve always loved each other. When they were finally in a good and stable place, they decided to expand their family. They wanted to have a child. They tried for a while and when nothing happened, they both got tested.” He stops here for a moment and looks away from Callum. 

“Jay can’t have children. They were devastated. They’d fought so hard to be together and to build a family, but it wasn’t meant to be. When Jay told me, I didn't even think about it. I offered to be a sperm donor.” He looks back to Callum, trying to read him. Callum nods, so Ben continues. 

“I never wanted to be a father, but Jay is my brother in everything but blood. And if I could help him to become a father, I would. So, we discussed it with Lola, and we agreed. But we didn’t tell anybody else. Not even you. I’d just met you and even though it felt like I’d known you my whole life, I couldn’t tell you. We weren’t sure it would take, and we didn’t wanna jinx it. So, we kept it quiet.” 

“That day she took our picture in the park?” Callum asks. 

“Yeah, it was the day she found out she was pregnant.” Ben confirms what Callum had suspected all these years. “But she’d only done a test at home and didn’t want to get Jay’s hopes up, so we went to the hospital to have it checked out properly.” He smiles at the memory. 

“When they told us she was pregnant, we were ecstatic. I guess we’d both not believed it would work, so our joy was immense. That night we told Jay and I asked them if I could tell you. They both agreed. I felt so much love that day, it was overwhelming.” His smile turns sad. Callum wishes he could take away all the hurt and pain he'd caused but he knows he can't turn back time. He settles on moving closer to Ben, their knees touching, letting him know he's there. 

“The next morning, I was gonna tell you, but you’d already gone out with Whitney, so I waited. But all I got was the message that you’d changed your mind and that you were leaving. I never understood what had happened. Until Whitney ran her mouth off at me soon after. Told me that I was my father’s son and that you deserved better than me. And then she admitted that she’d told you what everyone apparently already knew, that I was in love with Jay and to break up with me.” Ben pauses. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

“I was so furious. With her for her lie but also with you for believing her. You’d seen me and Jay together. You should've known we were just friends. And I’d told you about my feelings. I was so angry! After that there was nothing to keep me in Walford.” 

“What about your mum?” Callum asks. 

“By then we’d lived apart for so many years and I was only moving up north, not to another continent,” Ben shrugs. “She didn’t want me to go, especially not when she found out about Lexi. But she understood that I needed this, that we all wanted a new life away from Walford where no one knew us. Where we were not affiliated with the Mitchell name.” He shrugs again. 

“But she came to visit us often. And whenever we could we went on holiday together. Mostly to the seaside. It’s why Lexi loves the beach so much.” Ben smiles fondly. 

“Sounds like you had a good life,” Callum comments. 

“I did.” Ben nods. “I had Lexi, and Jay, and Lola but... I was also lonely. I didn’t have anyone special in my life.” Callum squeezes Ben’s hand, wanting him to know he understands. Ben squeezes his hand in return and smiles at him. 

“Then I got a job offer back here in London. And apparently Jay and Lola had been talking about maybe moving back as well. And then there was mum, asking us to come back. It felt like everything in my life was pulling me back here. So, we did, packed everything up, sold our house and came back here.” 

“I’m glad you did!” Callum tells him, giving him a small smile. 

“I wasn't so sure, to be honest. I knew you were still living here; my mum had mentioned you once or twice.” Callum wants to ask if she knew about them, but Ben beats him to it. 

“No, she didn’t know. Lola knew and I think Jay suspected something, but he never knew the depth of my feelings. So, when we decided to move back to Walford, I thought to myself I’ll show Callum what a mistake he’s made in letting me go.” Ben snorts, shaking his head. 

“I thought I’d moved on from you, that I was indifferent to you. But one day I saw you in the market, talking to someone and it all came rushing back. Everything I’d felt for you, from love to anger. I could barely contain myself, I went home and stewed in my anger.” 

“I’m sorry,” Callum says, trying to console Ben for causing him that much pain. 

“I tried to stay away from you, I didn’t wanna see you again. But I knew it was inevitable because you were working with Jay. That day we saw each other for the first time, I saw you leave the parlour and thought I’d take my chance and see Jay.” 

“Instead you met Paul,” Callum interrupts. 

“Yeah. He seemed nice, if a little overly friendly.” He laughs. “I’d guessed he must have heard about me, but he seemed unfazed. On the contrary, he seemed interested and I liked that.” 

“Oh, he definitely was,” Callum tells him. “Wouldn’t stop talking about you. Drove me mad!” 

“What can I say, I am an interesting man!” Ben grins, making Callum smile. 

“That you are,” Callum says quietly, looking down. He sighs. “I’m sorry I did this to us. I’m sorry I believed Whitney without talking to you. I guess it all seemed too good to be true. We’d just met, and I was already falling in love with you. That scared me. I knew what was expected of me, that I'd have to go back to the army and... I guess it was easier to believe that you weren’t really interested in me and just using me.” Callum knows he sounds pathetic and that his explanation sounds weak but it’s the truth. 

“We both made mistakes, Callum. This isn’t all on you. My anger blinded me. I could see that you’d changed, that you weren’t the same man I’d fallen in love with all those years ago, but I couldn’t let go. I needed to punish you, to make you feel the same pain.” He frowns. 

“At the same time, it felt like you’d moved on from me, from us. You’d barely look at me, barely talk. That day in the parlour, when you jumped away from me and Lexi, it made me furious.” Ben’s voice is shaking with barely contained anguish. 

Callum lets go of his hands and cups Ben’s face, making him look into his own eyes. Needing Ben to see, to understand that Callum is telling the truth. 

“Ben, please. You must know that I didn’t do any of those things on purpose. I thought you’d moved on from _me_ , that I’d never meant much to you anyway. Avoiding you was my way of protecting myself, of protecting my own heart.” Callum closes the distance between their faces and leans his forehead to Ben’s. 

“I know that now,” Ben whispers and then he kisses Callum. It’s soft at first, as if he’s relearning the curves of Callum’s lips. And then he nips and bites and takes and Callum lets him. He’s missed this, too. The way kissing Ben ignites his insides, the way it makes desire burn through him. All he wants to do is kiss Ben and forget the world. 

They stop after a while, both gasping and short of breath, and grinning like boys. They’re happy. 

“Come on,” Ben says, licking his wet lips. Callum has a hard time looking away. Ben gets up, pulling Callum with him. He interlocks their fingers and leads them towards his house. 

They walk in silence for a few moments. But there is this nagging thought in Callum’s mind. 

“Ben, do you know why Whitney doesn’t like you?” Callum asks. He wants to understand why Whitney would want to hurt him like this. 

“You mean, apart from being Phil Mitchell’s son?” Ben looks at him questioningly. 

“I’m just wondering. I can’t imagine her wanting to hurt me on purpose,” Callum says. 

“I don’t know, Callum. You know I didn’t grow up here. I didn’t have much to do with her. It’s possible that she’s had a grudge against my family that I never knew of.” He shrugs. 

“Do you think—” Callum starts, but stops himself. He’s not sure he wants an answer to that question. 

“Do I think what?” Ben prompts. 

Callum hesitates for a heartbeat, but he doesn’t want to keep things from Ben anymore. Even if it is just a small niggling thing in the back of his mind. 

“Do you think she knew about Johnny’s plan and still went ahead and introduced me to him?” Callum asks quietly. 

“I don’t know, Callum.” Ben stops and turns to Callum. “It depends on how well she knows him.” 

“He seemed to know a lot about me. But I never met him in all the years I’ve visited Whitney in Bath.” Callum shrugs. “I mean, she was pushing me to him, pushing me to settle down and enjoy the money my dad’s left me. But I think it was more about me settling somewhere near her, so that we could spend more time together.” He purses his lips. 

“Oh Callum.” Ben cups Callum’s cheek, his thumb caressing is softly. “You’re too good for this world, always wanting to see the best in people.” He sighs, before he goes on. “I think, if they’re good friends, she would’ve known about his money troubles just because of the circles they move in now. It’s not easy to hide such things.” 

“But I don’t think she’d let me be used like that,” Callum objects. 

“Why? Because she loves you? Because she’s your best friend?” Ben laughs humourlessly. “It’s not like she’s lied to you and convinced you to do something you didn’t wanna do because she’s petty and wanted to hurt someone else, right? Oh wait, she did!” 

Ben breaks away from Callum. But Callum can’t let him go, he just got him back. 

“No, Ben, wait! I’m sorry. I’m so used to defending her that it's become second nature to me,” Callum tries to explain. 

“I know.” Ben sighs. “You have to understand, Whitney broke us up. I don’t know why. And after all this time, I don’t think I care anymore. And if you wanna be friends with her, that’s fine by me. Just don’t expect me to like her. Because I don’t.” 

“No, I don’t expect anything from you when it comes to her. Don’t worry about that. I just have a hard time believing she’d wanna hurt me in any way.” He shakes his head. “But I think I’ve also been a bit blind about who Whitney really is and I'm finally realising that. But knowing and accepting are two different things, so it might take a while to break her spell over me.” Ben snorts, making Callum grin in return. 

“It’s just us, this time around. I promise. I’m done letting other people dictate my life. I love you and I wanna be with you!” Callum says. 

Ben smiles that beautiful and bright smile that makes Callum feel like the luckiest man alive. 

“Come on, let’s go home,” he says and takes Callum’s hand in his again. Callum nods and follows Ben into a new future. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. comments & kudos are appreciated.


End file.
